More than just okay

Car Lights

2012-02-09T20:31:00.003-06:00

My goal last week was to gather pictures for a post on the Eldest's trip to Ecuador. Alas, I still haven't even started on that. Soon though, I promise.

In the mean time, I'm pretty excited about Mr. Wonderful's birthday present to me. (Yes, Mr. Wonderful, you got me a birthday present.) You see . . .
this is what my car's back light has looked like for quite some time. I'm responsible for one hole (the upper left one). Did that 4 or 5 years ago. I carefully taped over it and lived with it. But it has bugged me. Then a month or so ago, I came out to my car to find it really bashed in. Some men were working on taking out trees in a parking lot where I was working at the time. I'm pretty sure they're the ones who did it in. Then my little guy kept messing with the broken bits, making things worse.

So I ordered a replacement. (Happy Birthday to me, just a couple of weeks late.)
It came today and Mr. Wonderful already has it installed. It is whole again. :-)

A Plate

2012-02-06T17:49:00.003-06:00

Much on my mind. Sometimes I just want to get away to think and think and think - in the most thoughtful way I know how, to quote Pooh. But no chance of that for awhile. But one thing I did think about this morning was a plate.

I was making my breakfast, which I generally place on a paper towel, before I charge off to read or surf while having my solitary meal. And I looked at the paper towel and thought to myself that I really ought to treat myself to a plate instead. I *do* have a machine that washes dishes. It would even be greener to use a re-useable plate instead of generating waste with a paper towel.
And I remembered this little gem I picked up after Halloween last October. I just bought one, thinking it would be a candy dish or something along that line. But I like it. I like that it is square. I like that it has a raven. I like that it has a moon. It shall be my breakfast plate from now on. Uniquely mine. It makes me happy and adds a little civilization to my morning repast. :-)

God Knows How Old I Am

2012-02-01T15:00:00.003-06:00

I am finding it extremely difficult to be patient. Right now, I am to wait, to live in the moment, to actually be a bit selfish and just enjoy being. No service, no work, no goals to reach, no effort to expend, no people to meet, no things to do, no places to go. Just wait.

Some days, it's rather pleasant. Especially when it's a rainy morning and I've no place I need to be, no obligations to fulfill. Just enjoy the rain, take a walk in it if I like. Or not.

Other days, it's rather lonely. I see very few people. No one comes to call and I've no one to call on. And it seems pointless to dress, or to clean, or to even eat. Why bother?

But some days it's terrifying. I don't have all that much time left to amount to anything. I want my life to matter. "A clean house is a sign of a wasted life." That's a quote from Mr. Wonderful's aunt. I loved it when my life was full and my house dusty and cluttered. But now it rather mocks me as my house gets cleaner every week. I begin to feel that my life is wasted. That I am a disappointment to everyone. Such potential - so little to show for it.

I want to do things. I want to make a difference. But I'm approaching 50. I begin to feel that I've no time to waste twiddling around with keeping house. If I'm going to make a difference, I need to be up and doing and going and being. But doing and going and being takes resources I don't have right now. And time passes and I'm not getting any younger.

But then I remember a friend sitting across the table from me, experiencing a set back of her own as she tackles something most do not attempt at her age (which is a decade or so *younger* than I). She said to me, "But then I have to remind myself that God knows how old I am."

And I remind myself of the same thing. And again, I remind myself. And again. When I approached the ancient age of 40, I was buried in learning about autism. I didn't think much beyond getting past each day. But as I near 50, it seems different. More urgent. But God knows how old I am. If all He wants me to do right now is appear to be a selfish, do-nothing to those who do not know me, so what? And I hug close His promises. And remember that God knows not only how old I am, but how much time I truly have. And I sigh. And I try to just enjoy the moment. I try not to worry about changing the world, or even one little piece of it.

And I try not to give in to the lie that I am a waste, even if I accomplish nothing.

I AM. The most powerful 3 letters on earth. I AM. and that's all that I need to be.

This Winter's Snow

2012-01-30T09:26:00.002-06:00

I have like a gagillion things to do in the couple of hours Miss Adventure is at pre-school, so just a short note this morning.

Remember last year? All the snow, snow, snow. And I shoveled and shoveled and shoveled. (Mr. Wonderful had just broken his leg quite badly.) A record breaking year for snow and cold. Well, this year - nothing. We've had a little on the grass once, but that's it.

So here's how we have snow this year:Wouldn't want it this way every year, but I definitely needed the break.

Happy, coat-less January. :-)

Happy Kansas Day

2012-01-29T10:52:00.000-06:00

Happy Kansas Day to me. :-)

I Did It

2012-01-27T14:29:00.009-06:00

I bought this lovely pool of fabric back in late October or early November.
I bought it because this really needs curtains. Now I'm not going to put that fabric here.
I'm going to put this gorgeous red there. I wish you could feel it. It's a lovely Italian weave. But I'm not going to attempt drapes for the first time with this expensive fabric for the living room. First project is lined curtains for the master bedroom.
So I carefully laid out the material. There's just something intimidating about making that first cut. But finally I could put the project off no longer.
Four panels of fabric cut and ready to sew.
I ironed all the side seams.
Then fit the lining fabric into the fashion fabric. I got room darkening lining. The summer sun will not intrude unless I invite it in!
The hand work of hemming. Ick. I don't mind hand work. In fact, I love to embroider. But hemming has always been especially tiresome to me. So I won't show you the finished hem. That's between me and the wall. Literally. :-D
And . . . Ta Dah! What do you think? There are a few things I learned as I went. And a few frustrations. But I think they turned out well. I'm pleased with them at any rate. They look so rich. I do so love intense colors.

And I think I have enough left over fabric (I had to make allowances for being a novice.) to be the main fabric in a new quilt for the bed. What quilt pattern shall I attempt?

Tidying Up

2012-01-23T19:14:00.003-06:00

In another funk. I just can't seem to shake it for more than a day or two.

And I have this weird motivation to tidy up. Not just clean mind you. Tidy up.
Last Saturday I cleaned off the hearth and am now patrolling so that Miss Adventure cleans up each time she plays.
And I can't remember if I showed you Edgar & Lenore dressed for silvery winter.
I cleaned off the top of the piano. What a mess. I found 2 birthday cards from Mr. Wonderful's 50th birthday party almost a year ago. Two copies of a summer newspaper which had Miss Adventure's picture in it from a summer fun music camp article. Got those in the mail to grandparents today. I found a baggie of replacement bulbs for the Christmas tree lights. No, not from last month, from 13 months ago. (Those were behind the music stand, so not quite as noticeable.) And a thick, thick layer of dust. I also washed the keys.

Now I am competing with My Little Guy for whether the key cover is up or down. (BTW I want the keys covered, he wants them accessible to his random pounding.)
And this morning, I cleaned off a dresser in our bedroom. Anna still dresses in our room, has her clothes in our closet, and had shoes, hair clips, and other miscellaneous girlie things strung across the dresser top. It is all now in her drawer. Now that I think about it, I wonder if it isn't time to move her clothes to her room. Gotta convince The Artist to give up some closet space for that. Hmmm . . .

It's like I have this weird nesting-type instinct. But instead of getting ready for a baby, I'm getting ready for . . . I don't know what. A home inspection?? Who cares what's in the corners and closets of my house. But I am driven to clean out the corners, throw out the junk, give away the unneeded, and tidy up.

Perhaps I'd better lie down until this sickness goes away. :-D

Reassurance

2012-01-19T14:14:00.002-06:00

Dealing with Doubting.

Yesterday Revisited

2012-01-17T14:37:00.003-06:00

(I had to rewrite the last bit.)

Yesterday was my birthday. Yep, I'm now the ripe old age of 49. Or as a friend put it, 7 squared, which is a far cooler number. At least for now.

And I just didn't feel like celebrating much. Last year just was not a good year. And who cares anyway?

There are people who, with a superior air, put down facebook and those who use it. May you be so blessed as to not need it. But I do not know what I would do without my fb friends.

I received so many birthday wishes yesterday. I saw NO ONE in real life outside my immediate family. The only birthday wishes I got were through fb.

And I would have been very depressed without those blessings.

In addition to multiple wall posts, which really do matter, by the way. Even if you only said happy birthday, I knew you thought of me at least enough to say that.

In addition to wall posts, I received a private, personal haiku from a dear friend. So sweet it made me cry.

And I received another private, personal birthday wish from a friend who told me that my blog has benefited them. Wow. I was so humbled. Sometimes I think I only write for personal satisfaction and maybe a few friends. That, and the occasional visit from someone in India googling Veda. :-D

I was told that my openness was appreciated. Someone else told me that a couple of years ago. They liked that I wasn't "fake" or putting on a mask. If I'm down, you know it. (Probably more than you'd really like to.) But I share who I am. Which actually is rather new for me. Before I started blogging and using fb a couple of years ago, I was a very shy person. But writing has freed me and given me the courage to be more open in person as well.

It may not have worked out so well in some aspects, but I like who I am now. I like being able to share the good as well as the bad, my struggles, my failures, and my victories as well.

It is too bad that so often the church, where one should feel most secure in revealing one's struggles, is where one finds the most condemnation. The church is too often more concerned with its image than its people. Even Mother Theresa has seasons of despair - and she's a saint!

Where is my faith? Even deep down . . . there is nothing but emptiness and darkness . . .If there be God - please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul . . . How painful is this unknown pain - I have no Faith. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal, . . . What do I labor for? If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.

With reference to the above words, the Rev Brian Kolodjejchuk . . . indicated there was a risk that some might misinterpret her meaning, but her faith that God was working through her remained undiminished, and that while she pined for the lost sentiment of closeness with God, she did not question his existence, and that she may have experienced something similar to what is believed of Jesus Christ when crucified who was heard to say "Eli Eli lama sabachthani?" which is translated to "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" Many other saints had similar experiences of spiritual dryness or what Catholics believe to be spiritual tests . . . consistent with the experience of canonized mystics. [from Wikipedia]

How sad if we cannot find help in our despair in church. How sad if we have to act like we have it all together to be a part of a church family. Don't ask, don't tell doesn't belong in God's house.

I am reminded of lyrics (not RUSH this time, amazing I know). Here's a link to the song.

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
You imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

As the Spirit Leads

2012-01-14T10:03:00.003-06:00

I've had the Spirit lead me to do things. But never have I had the Spirit lead in quite this way.

I have been ignoring the carpet. It needs shampooing, but it's winter. And I have little ones. And who really cares anyway. I do vacuum.

But now I really feel like I must clean the carpet. Why on earth do I feel I need to do this???

Maybe this urge is just indigestion and will go away.

Except this "indigestion" started Thursday.

*sigh*

Getting the Eldest ready to return to university will take today. That, and some W-2 work.

A trip to the University and back will take tomorrow.

It looks like Monday will be carpet cleaning day.

Ominous Blessings

2012-01-12T13:32:00.003-06:00

The past 24 hours have been ones of unusual blessing for me. Nothing big, but lots of small blessings. Time to chat without interruption with a good friend last night. An email from another friend. A fb message of encouragement from another friend. A teasing comment on a fb status - my evil twin still loves me! A friend left a light-hearted, nice comment on my blog. A letter today brought news of unexpected money.

I was smiling and the warmth of feeling the love of several friendships was spreading through my heart. A joy I hadn't experienced in a long time.

Then a cold chill swept through my being. For the past 2 years, any time I've begun to feel anything close to general happiness, to feel a sense of hope and belonging, something has happened to destroy that security.

It's like I'm not allowed to be happy.

Some would condemn my lack of faith. But what little trust I had has been utterly destroyed in these past 2 years.

I was happy this morning. What horrible thing is going to happen because of it?

I have a set of cards with verses on them a friend made for me. That act was very significant for reasons I cannot share. But these cards have been an anchor for me. I went to them again this afternoon. The top 4 cards:

"I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned,
the flames will not set you ablaze." - Isaiah 43:1b-2

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those that love Him. - James 1:12

God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble. -Psalm 46:1

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. -Joshua 1:9

Makes me all the more apprehensive. But God *promises* to be with me. O God, do not desert me this time. You HAVE to be with me, whatever comes. Help me not to be afraid.

Resolutions

2012-01-11T09:13:00.002-06:00

Yeah, I know. The first of the year is long past. But I've been thinking about fresh starts and the New Year and that resolution thing.

I had 3 resolutions last January. I made it to the 150 post mark. But it was rather . . . uneven, shall we say. I'd like to do that again - make 150 posts that is. I would like it to be a little more even though. If I make it, I will also reach my 500 all time posts mark. And I want to do something special for that. I've wanted to do a give away for some time. I think I shall to celebrate post number 500. Probably in December. Can you wait? Plus that gives me time to figure out what the give away will be.

I wanted to create a 101 in a 1001 list. But I've abandoned that. Maybe later. Just doesn't work for me right now.

And floss more. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Not sure. Probably not then.

So for this year

150 posts/500 life posts with give away

floss more - I really should, but this is a lovely, vague one. No markers. But my resolution, my rules.

I feel like I need one more to sort of round this out. Hmmm . . . oh, I know. I'm terribly behind on the family picture albums. I resolve to do at least 2 years worth this year. That way I don't get further behind and actually get a teensy bit ahead.

There you have it. My New Year's Resolutions.

Understanding

2012-01-09T17:21:00.004-06:00

Like I said, I've been in a funk. And sometimes the best way to climb out of it, for me, is to write poetry. I am the queen of depressing, bad poetry. And this is another depressing, bad poem. Read at your peril.

Understanding

When the gray morning melts into the gray afternoon
When color has fled and your world is only shades of black and white
You don't open that bottle
But you understand those who do

When the music doesn't play anymore and the song has left your heart
When you're useful, but only just
You don't pour a glass
But you understand those who do

When day follows day in endless succession
Without joy or hope to sustain one
You don't have too many
But you understand those who do

When passion has died and only dullness remains
With an ache that settles down deep in the marrow of your being
You don't remember the pills from the time you broke your leg
But you understand those who do

When the room starts to spin and your vision blurs
And your heart beats loud in your ears and time seems to slow
You don't long for the blackness to overcome you
But you understand those who do
You understand those who do

Winter Funk

2012-01-09T13:03:00.002-06:00

I have been in the worst funk the past couple of days. I piddle about with things, but nothing captivates. I have a mountain of projects in various stages, but nothing beckons. I mess about with the have-to's, but have no want-to's.

Bleh!

Maybe it's not knowing how things are going for the Eldest. I don't have this vague uneasiness when he's away at college and I don't hear from him for weeks. But I'm not particularly worried about him either.

I've lost my joie d'vivre, my raison d'etre.

I drift from one thing to the next, one day to the next.

Maybe Friday's road trip to the airport will break this mood. It's close enough to look forward to at least.

Happy 21st Birthday

2012-01-05T10:55:00.003-06:00

Happy Birthday to the Eldest. This is a picture from winter 2009-2010 (I think). He is turning 21 today . . . on another continent . . . and I haven't heard anything since he left . . . and I won't until he returns a week from Friday. Love you, son. Can't wait to hear about your adventure.

Tis Done

2012-01-02T16:39:00.002-06:00

Well, I did it. I weighed the options. And I opted to resign. After a very brief flirting with corporate America, I am back in stay-at-home mode along with a little bit of the small business world.

It's not that I disliked corporate America. Actually, it's not that bad. There is a sort of camaraderie of the cubicles that's rather pleasant. And I enjoyed the work. I had the opportunity to "be a hero" several times a day.

Except today. I don't know who's brilliant idea it was to have customer service fully staffed today. Over 5 hours and I took 1 phone call. Had the client happy within 4 minutes. I was a hero again.

But 40+ hours was taking its toll on my littles. And the pay just wasn't enough to justify staying.

When I started my job search this past summer, I had decided on a minimum of $15 an hour. But I was unsuccessful in finding work, so I settled. I ran the numbers again last Saturday night. After taxes, commuting, child care & incidentals - not much was left. Then we had vehicle issues arise again. Too close to paying for the privilege of working.

But I can't just stay home. I've got to work at least some. I have a possibility of bookkeeping work 1 day a week. Maybe something will come of that. The pay matches my needs and the hours do as well.

But whether that materializes or not, I'm going to take the steps to get my license to practice as a CPA reinstated. Not sure yet if I'll be doing any taxes this season. Depends on if I get any leads on clients soon. But definitely by 2013 I will be fully up and running.

In the mean time, I'm going to sleep for about a week. :-D

Weighing Options

2012-01-01T10:22:00.003-06:00

The first day of 2012. Final year according the Mayans. :-D

And I'm hit with a decision to make.

Follow the advice of the pros and cons list? Trying to, but sometimes lists only cloud the issue more.

Pray? Um, yeah, doing that. No-brainer on that one. But that doesn't always result in a voice from heaven settling things for you. Would that it were so easy.

Follow one's heart? I know what my heart wants to do. But is that what I should do?

I want to do what is right. But sometimes what is right in one direction is wrong in another.

I want to do what is best. But I don't always know what is best.

I am troubled this New Year's Day. What to do?

I'm reminded of some RUSH lyrics. (Some things never change!)

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

And that would be so true in this matter. Pray for me, friends.

Break My Heart

2011-12-30T21:15:00.001-06:00

Tonight, after reading bedtime stories, Miss Adventure says,

I want you home now, okay?

I think I'll go cry now.

Truth and Error

2011-12-28T18:05:00.001-06:00

An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody will see it. - Mahatma Gandhi

Totally stole this quote from a friend's fb status, but I LOVE it. And I needed the reassurance.

A Better Day

2011-12-27T20:06:00.002-06:00

Today was a much better day at work. I was able to snag one of the instructors for about 20 minutes to get a couple of questions answered and get my check off list finally checked off . . . except for the phone items.

Yes, I am to be a call center rep and I don't have a phone. I don't think any of my classmates do yet. Makes a day creep by.

But I was able to sit and listen in with another rep for much of today. My, that helped time go by a little faster. And, with the slow call rate just yet, we were able to chat and get to know one another. He grew up here in town. Cool.

And when I wasn't listening in, I set up IM. Never done that before. I have a few IM "friends," but have yet to actually IM anyone.

And on another front, I'm playing phone tag for another possibility.

And I had just enough time for a quick 5 minute walk outside at lunch time. Though my lunch was tossed by an efficient, concerned someone from the fridge that wasn't working. Good thing I had some extra cash on me. Ah, me, always something.

Have You Ever . . .

2011-12-27T06:54:00.000-06:00

I have a wonderfully spooky tale for you. I was saving for the last day of the year, but I couldn't wait any longer.

Have you ever felt a cold chill crawl up your spine as an inky blackness slowly spread over the ground silently, quickly sliding toward you?

Have you ever seen demons gathered in mass, fighting for a place in a building, being pushed aside, flying up, then back down again, shoving for a place at the feast like vultures fighting for a spot on some days-old piece of carrion?

Have you ever had a demon sink his claws into your brain until your head ached so badly you could hardly think straight? Or maybe you couldn't think straight at all?

Have you ever had demon taunt you with truth that made your soul so heavy you couldn't see anything but pain?

Have you ever screamed for help against something you'd never had to fight before? Begged for help as you were being dragged to hell and, instead, had someone help to push you there?

Have you ever hung over a precipice with demons calling to you to just let go, you belong to them, it is your destiny and you shouldn't fight it any longer? Ever desperately try to cling to God while others drag you away and the demons cheer?

Have you ever felt a malevolent being call you closer? And as you stared into the eyes of an ancient ceremonial mask, had fear freeze your heart as your soul begins to be sucked away?

Have you ever felt the despair of longing to belong to God, but think that God didn't want you? Know that your path could never be His?

Have you ever prayed not to see another day because you didn't think you could stand the despair any longer? Only to see another day and be yelled at for not being stronger?

Have you ever wondered where God was? Why He didn't hear you? Why you were left alone with the evil one licking his lips in anticipation?

Have you ever been cast aside for not being good enough, not being strong enough, not being holy enough? Been told to go away, you're broken, and don't come back until you're fixed?

Ever hear God speak to you? In certain words, clear and beautiful? Ever have God give you specific promises that you could see unfold?

Ever return to the place of the cold, inky blackness with an warrior on each side? Feel their strength strengthen you as marched against a gate of Hell?

Yeah, I didn't think so. Earthquakes and cancer are the real battles, right? Flesh and blood battles to be fought and won. Angels and demons aren't really there, are they?

The veil is so thin . . .

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black . . .

The Two Things I Love About Christmas

2011-12-27T06:44:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I can't wait. I want to go ahead with my final post of the year. Therefore, I am doing this post quickly. I've about 7 minutes to get this done before trash has to go out and I have to hustle to work.

The best thing about Christmas is something I won't experience any more. It is what it is, but . . .

The second best thing about Christmas is lights. I love the lights on our house and on our tree. Festive, pretty, but not overdone. I was delighted that we were able to go all the way around our house this year.

The rest of Christmas pretty much sucks. Too much pressure to fill too many expectations. I never do quite enough. Reminds me of some lyrics . . .

I'm always close, but I'm never enough . . .

Ah, well. Here's to a new year.

Beauty

2011-12-26T14:15:00.003-06:00

Driving home last night from my parents, (don't ask, it is what it is), I saw the most beautiful dusk sky. There were no clouds, just beautiful colors melding into beautiful colors. And the most beautiful thin, thin slice of moon with a barest hint of earthshine. And Venus shining so brightly. The moon was low in the western sky, so it appeared huge in its tiny sliver. I love the night sky.

As If I Don't Have Enough To Do . . .

2011-12-24T13:57:00.005-06:00

Currently, my major project that *was* going to be finished by Thanksgiving is still a puddle of uncut fabric.I really hope to at least get the material cut and ready to begin sewing today. Wrapping must be done first though. And all day tomorrow I'm away. But I do have Monday off . . .

But this morning, Mr. Wonderful and I made a quick trip to the city. Last day of 40% off special order fabric. I ordered fabric for curtains for the living room. I have had a difficult time finding something I like that goes with the colors. Every red seems to be paired with gold. But I've got silver gray walls with the red fireplace and hunter green on the accent wall. Finally narrowed it down to 2 solids - a 100% silk or a cotton/poly mix with vertical strips in the weave. We opted for the cotton/poly. It was slightly more expensive, but it did have the interest of the stripes and with little ones still at home, we figured it'd wear better.

But when am I going to find time to make these up???

I don't know, but it will get done eventually.

And why am I telling you this. Because I am so close to reaching my goal of 150 posts this year. But time is short, so the subjects of my posts are pretty weak.

But I've got a lovely, spooky post for the end of the year set and ready to go.

Prayer Request

2011-12-23T13:30:00.002-06:00

I mentioned a few days ago about wondering if I should reinstate my license to practice as a CPA.

This is no longer in the "I wonder if . . . " sort of state. I am seriously weighing the issue.

It does involve spending some money. Not huge gobs, but a significant amount. Biggest issue is needing a better computer. I'm thinking around $1500 start up expenses. Not huge gobs, like I said, but for us right now it's big enough.

It also involves spending some time. And time is a very precious thing right now. But I've got to get in 40 hours of CPE to apply for reinstatement. It can be on-line, doesn't have to be actual seminars - which is good as CPAs generally don't do CPE January - April. It's also good because live seminars are usually significantly more expensive.

It would also involve having government agencies acting with unusual speed. I'd need to file for practitioner numbers from the IRS after reinstated to practice, before filing any returns.

Finally, I'd need to find clients. I could do up to 9 tax returns paper-filed this year. Don't think setting up e-file for this year is feasible this late.

Pray for me, friends. Pray for wisdom, for direction, and for courage to step out if this is what I'm supposed to do.

Thank you all.

New Colors

2011-12-23T12:09:00.004-06:00

Well, I did it. Or rather, the stylist did it. It took 2 hours. But . . .
First, she checked just how gray I was. 50-75%! No way. I was in serious denial. :-D
She was a little surprised about how much red the coloring brought out. My Irish roots showing up. But I know a little Miss Adventure who has red tones in bright sunshine. Now that's it's dry, it doesn't look quite as reddish.

So what do you think? I'm thinking now I should have had a couple more inches taken off the length. Maybe when I go in for a touch up.

I have just discovered I have a serious case of the "I wants." With the new color, I *need* stylish new glasses. Or maybe even Lasik surgery.

Never satisfied. :-D

Ooooo, a sporty new 5 speed convertible in a deep green.

Hanging Out my Shingle?

2011-12-22T20:34:00.002-06:00

I'm thinking of attempting to establish my own CPA office again.

I wonder if I could get enough clients to pay for the start up costs soon enough.

I've checked into CPE and restarting my license to practice. Not too terribly expensive or difficult.

I'd have to be able to E-file tax returns if I did 10 or more. Wouldn't happen this tax season. But hopefully the 2013 season would see me needing to buy the software to make it happen. That would also speed things up immensely for me. I could handle more. But it'd also mean software licensing expense.

I had been doing all returns by hand. Until the IRS said zero returns unless you're licensed last year.

But I'm beginning to realize I'm a very good accountant. I hadn't realized how good before.

And I very much would like to run my own firm.

Would you hire me to do your return? Or do you need monthly general ledger accounting?

Bad, But It Could Have Been Worse

2011-12-21T20:17:00.003-06:00

Mr. Wonderful lost his wallet yesterday.

5 days until Christmas.

He called the credit card companies yesterday. Accounts transferred. New cards in hand. Wonderful thing is - no new charges!

He arrived at the DMV this morning at 7 am, when they opened, to find about 100 people in front of him. They'd camped out to make it in first to take care of business and be able to get to work by 8. A little after 8, Mr. Wonderful has a new temporary license.

Cash in wallet - 10 to 20 dollars. Not too bad.

Losing a wallet is NO FUN. But it could have been oh so much worse.

A Story

2011-12-19T20:20:00.004-06:00

A woman by the name of Jill once recommended this children's Bible:

The Jesus Storybook Bible.

I trusted her judgment in this matter and purchased one for My Little Guy and one for Miss Adventure.

My Little Guy just will not tolerate my reading to him. He sticks his fingers in his ears and squirms until I give up.

Miss Adventure, on the other hand, could listen to stories all day.

We've taken to a little bedtime ritual. She picks a story from the table of contents (a rather random pointing, not an actual selection, mind you) and that's our bed time story.

This little children's Bible is an excellent children's Bible. (Jill's judgment in this matter was quite good.) But the funny thing about reading Bible stories to children. Sometimes you end up reading them to yourself. And these stories have been speaking to me over the past several months. Half the time I end up crying trying to finish a little story.

Last night, I was crying so much I could barely read the words. Miss Adventure had selected for the first time the story, "The Girl No One Wanted." It's the story of Leah. I've always rather identified with Leah, the oldest, the weak-eyed (I am so near-sighted), the not-the-pretty-one, the one no one wanted.

(I'm crying again as I tell this story. I am such a mess.)

. . . And when he saw that Leah was not loved and that no one wanted her, God chose her - to love her specially, to give her a very important job. One day, God was going to rescue the whole world - through Leah's family.

Now when Leah knew that God loved her, in her heart, suddenly it didn't matter anymore whether her husband loved her the best, or if she was the prettiest. Someone had chosen her, someone did love her - with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love . . .

Isn't that a most beautiful story?

What if . . .

2011-12-19T18:29:00.004-06:00

I was thinking today: What if God told you He was bringing you home?

What if you heard God say to you, " You're going home soon."?

First, just what would that mean? It could have several meanings for me. On the surface, it could mean that somehow I won't be working full time once again soon. Mixed blessing. I would love more time at home, but I need to work at least some. It's very important to me.

It could mean a home that I have no hope of right now.

It could mean I'll reach my ultimate home soon. I've always thought that I'd live to be 96. Don't ask me why, it's just been my assumption. (I can get some strange notions.)

But what if it were that last "going home"? Would how I live my life change?

I'd want to make sure the first meaning were true as well. If one has only a short time, one could make some sacrifices for the short term one couldn't otherwise.

I'd want Mr. Wonderful to be a little more prepared. The CPA is the bill payer in our house. And that'd be me. I do so much on-line now that it might be a bit of a challenge for him. I need to lay that out better so he could just step into it.

Having worked several funerals, I have very definite ideas about what I want in a memorial service. I ought to write that down some where. Not that I could do anything about it if Mr. Wonderful decided differently. But at least he'd know.

There are a couple of "undone" things that I probably should wrap up. A few corners to just clear out, junk to toss.

It'd be nice to have the pictures laid out for him. But that might be more than I could accomplish soon.

Maybe I could be going home soon. I feel like so many things are unfinished, though, perhaps, unfinishable. I feel there are so many things left to do, to try, to experience.

Maybe I could be going home soon. Maybe not. But what if . . .

Christmas Letter

2011-12-18T20:11:00.007-06:00

I've copied off the Christmas letter I'm sending to family and distant friends. Friends here probably know everything already. I hope to wish all of you a Happy Christmas in person. For some reason I couldn't get the pictures to copy and I'm too tired to edit and upload them all again. Just pics of the persons mentioned which have all been in the blog earlier, so I'm just leaving it at this. Ugh! Whenever I copy anything, it doesn't seem to work well. But I don't want to retype all this. Trying again. And again. And still I can't get the middle 2 paragraphs to format correctly. I give up. Sorry about the small type and mixture of colors and fonts. Ick, but I'm done.

Merry Christmas

The Eldest completed a year at Community College last spring and is now a junior in Mechanical Engineering with a nuclear emphasis at State University. He’s heading out on a mission over semester break. He leaves January 3 for Ecuador. He’s going with Engineers Without Boarders and the Peace Corps to put in potable water for a village in the Andes.

My Artist is finishing her senior year here at home. She took up Karate last February and LOVES it. She’s advanced to blue belt. Her dojo leader gave her a huge complement last week – she’s becoming a great leader in class. She continues to love art and placed 1^st at the State Fair for a watercolor in her age division.

My Little Guy continues to enjoy school. He moved to a 5^th & 6^th grade attendance center this year. They have him without his hat during the day. He’s talking a teeny bit more and has a couple more foods he will eat, including Honeycrisp apples.

Miss Adventure is 4 and all go, go, go. She loves preschool and being out and about. She’s fearless, but all girl, loving horses and rainbows and anything pink and frilly.

Mr. Wonderful finally recovered from his broken leg. But before the final Dr.’s visit for that, he was hit by a red light runner. The burb was totaled and he broke a bone in his hand. However, the rest of the year, he has managed to remain intact. He built a set of steps off the back deck for me over the summer.

It’s been a hard year for me. Some personal things have been very sad for me. On a brighter note, I’ve repainted much of the upstairs and am attempting curtains for our bedroom. Three weeks ago I started working full time once again for CCH, answering support calls for CPAs who use their tax software. I’ve had 3 weeks of training, one more to go. Back into tax season.

Hope this letter finds you all well. Wishing all a Happy Christmas and a joyous New Year.

Concerts

2011-12-18T18:51:00.005-06:00

I'm a little slow, but there were concerts this fall/Christmas.
Along with the middle school concert for my little guy, there was also an art show. He made the cool round red one with the blue belly. The best one, I know, and I've *no* prejudice whatsoever. :-D But the pictures of him in the concert just didn't turn out. Best one I could have had I ended up turning the camera off instead of snapping the pic. Oh well.Then I went to a concert, not as a spectator, but as a volunteer. I worked a merch table with my friend, Karla, for Jars of Clay.And got a picture with the band after the show. Pretty cool. Once tax season is over, I'm doing more of this!
Finally Miss Adventure had a Christmas concert. She, of course, is the one doing everything *but* what she's supposed to. However, she is doing it with enthusiasm and joy. Love my little one. Overwhelmed by my little one at times.

After her concert, we stopped for ice cream. She decided that blue was a good kind of ice cream. (Bleh! It was called birthday cake, but, seriously, blue ice cream??)She was thrilled when a classmate stopped in as well. Such a flirt. Actually, she just loves everyone. She's a charmer.

And More Stars

2011-12-17T17:10:00.003-06:00

I liked the stars and moons we did for Halloween so much, that I decided we needed some for Christmas as well. This time we did 8 pointed stars and shorter strings. Hopefully things won't get quite so tangled with the winter winds.
Miss Adventure *had* to help Mr. Wonderful put them up.
My artist helped as well.
Fearless.
And *so* important. :-D
I love sparkle and the cool reflections and shadows on the house.

And while they haven't tangled as much as the Halloween ones, they've still tangled some. The wind has knocked them around so much that most of the glitter is gone and the points are looking ragged. But it's still sparkly and makes me smile.

The Journey of the Magi

2011-12-13T22:44:00.003-06:00

'A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter.'
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,
Lying down in the melting snow.
There were times we regretted
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
And running away, and wanting their liquor and women,
And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters,
And the cities hostile and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty and charging high prices:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel all night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.

Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley,
Wet, below the snow line, smelling of vegetation;
With a running stream and a water-mill beating the darkness,
And three trees on the low sky,
And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow.
Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel,
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,
And feet kicking the empty wine-skins.
But there was no information, and so we continued
And arrived at evening, not a moment too soon
Finding the place; it was (you may say) satisfactory.

All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.

- T. S. Eliot

Your Money or Your Life

2011-12-13T19:36:00.002-06:00

If you've read my blog for very long, you know I love to read and that my favorite subject is economics. I love micro-economics, macro-economics, from economics for large organizations and countries to the family budget size. One of my favorite books was published in 1992. It's Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin.

Basically it helps one measure things, income, and such in hours of one's time instead of dollars. Which can really change how expensive one views some things as being. You see, I may make $11.50 an hour (yes, I'm a little overqualified for my job, but when you're old, you aren't offered many opportunities). But from that 11.50, I need to subtract my commute costs and payroll and income taxes. And then that may be what I make per hour, but I'm also away from home for a lunch hour and an hour commute both ways. (Commute time may drop when my scheduled hours move off the 8-5 rush hour routine.) When it comes down to it, I make not quite $6 an hour. So then I take that and look at the cost of what I'm purchasing. A $12 CD - I just traded 2 hours of my life for that.

I was reflecting on this today as I sat through yet another day of training. It moves so slowly for me because I'm overqualified. I need about 10 minutes of every hour's instruction. It's excruciatingly slow. And I'm thinking I'm trading this next hour for $6. That's all. That can motivate one not to consume so much! What I really need is about 15 hours a week of work. But I have to take what I can find. I count myself lucky to even have a job.

Sometimes I wonder if God has placed me there for some specific reason. Getting the job was so smooth compared to NO other offers. Which can bring a different perspective to things. It may not be just the need for funds that has brought me to this firm. But I'm already looking forward to the end of April.

I hope it will get better once training is over. IDK. And those little $6 hours do add up. When overtime kicks in, it won't be quite so dismal as well. Finally, I'm not only just buying CD's; we've just needed a little more than what's been coming in for a couple of years now. Children are expensive, though I wouldn't trade anyone of them. It's just how life is. I'll see the sun again in May. :-D

But I don't want to forget this perspective. The goal of the book was to motivate its readers to take steps to be able to move beyond working paycheck to paycheck in jobs they hated but paid well. If one truly understood the costs of working and of buying, one might be motivated to make lifestyle changes so that one could afford to work at the things one loved. Is this the best use of my time? Trading it for money? I am on the cusp of having the luxury of asking that question. Many don't have the option; they must work to afford basic needs. I'm not purchasing basic necessities, but what I add goes to legitimate needs. (Mr. Wonderful will be getting new glasses in January - a legitimate need, but not basic.)

Will I have a permanent job after April? IDK. Will I need one? IDK. Will I find a suitable job with fewer hours closer to home? IDK. So many things to leave in God's hands. I'm a planner. I dislike having so many unanswered questions. But it's all I have for now.

Anyway, one of the many things I think about as I sit through seemingly endless hours of training.

And tomorrow is another day.

A Monday Sort of Wednesday

2011-12-07T18:53:00.002-06:00

Today was just one of those nothing can go right sort of days. Not horrible, just annoyance after annoyance.

I got up on time, but everything just took a little bit longer. If I leave the house at 7:08, I'm fine. If I leave at 7:12, traffic is much worse and I'm on time, but barely. So, of course, this morning there was frost to scrap.

The car started, barely. But it did start.

I got to work unscathed and unticketed. (I swear I'm not going to make it through tax season without some traffic fines. I think I'm just going to have to get up earlier.) But as soon as I put my car in park I realized I had forgotten my employee badge. That's not just an oops, it means no getting past security doors to where I'm supposed to be.

I call Mr. Wonderful. He'll bring it to my car so I'll have it by lunch time. I ask him to text me when he's done it, in case I can get it at break. But my phone is dying. I forgot to recharge it. At least I was able to get that very important call in.

I follow a fellow employee in. It's 7:50, now to clock in. My computer was turned off. I have to turn it on and it s-l-o-w-l-y begins to boot. Time passes. I finally have to borrow another's computer to log in at 8:02. Great, now my time card has a tardy flag and I've lost 12 minutes of what would be OVERTIME. Twelve minutes and I still wasn't up and running. And class is starting. I do manage to catch up.

And BTW, the restrooms on this floor are closed for deep cleaning today. TODAY?! The day I forget my security badge is the day I have to leave the floor to relieve myself. ARGH!

Rest of work was okay. But going home in heavy traffic, there's an accident that backs up the first interstate, so that by the time I get to the congested area on the second interstate, it's waaaay backed up. Took me 50 minutes for a 25 minute drive.

And I log into fb to find that a friend was taken to the hospital with chest pains this afternoon. I've learned he's stabilized. whew. But still praying for him.

I better tuck in early before something goes from annoyance to disaster!

Stars

2011-12-06T21:28:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine is using a star reference for a daily fb status this month. I'm enjoying them. And I gave him a star reference of my own. From Les Miserables.

Stars in your multitudes, scarce to be counted,
Filling the darkness with order and light
You are the sentinels, silent and sure,
Keeping watch in the night, keeping watch in the night
You know your place in the sky, you hold your course and your aim
And each in your season returns and returns, and is always the same
And if you fall as Lucifer fell, you fall in vain!
And so it must be, and so it is written on the doorway to Paradise
That those who falter and those who fall must pay the price . . .

The song is, of course, "Stars." Sung by the character, Javert, who cannot give mercy to Jean Valjean, or anyone for that matter." . . . those who falter and those who fall must pay the price . . ." Later, Jean Valjean has opportunity to show Javert mercy and does so liberally. It so disturbed Javert, who should have been killed by Valjean's hand, that it drove Javert to commit suicide.

Mercy is a rare and beautiful thing. The whole of Les Miserables is about mercy. Not too long ago, I begged someone for mercy. That person turned their face away. I will never forget that. Though I have forgiven that person, the memory of that pain will stay with me forever. Hopefully, it will remind me to give mercy where ever I can for I, too, can be an exacting person.

Bummed

2011-12-05T21:01:00.002-06:00

Really bummed tonight.

Work today was ever so boring. Plus I wasn't able to sleep well last night, so I'm extra tired. I may be coming down with something. Doesn't matter; I can't miss training. And home stuff doesn't go away just because one works or one is sick. Though the Artist is doing more to help me. God bless that wonderful girl.

The lettuce I harvested so happily Sunday has been done in by last night's freeze. Back to iceberg from the grocer. Just not as nice.

Friends are coping with some heavy, heavy stuff because of an act of love.

My own pain is especially acute tonight due to this, that, and the other.

*sigh* Some days I just would rather not bother with. Some days hope can't be found. Some days one plods on just because there is no alternative.

What was that quote? Most men lead lives of quiet desperation . . . some days . . . today . . .

December Gardening

2011-12-04T19:36:00.003-06:00

I've keep trying to grow lettuce every spring. I sometimes get a little, but I start too late and bugs get most of what doesn't bolt and turn bitter.
This bump out is where the master bedroom closet is. Last summer, Mr. Wonderful prepared a flower bed. I get climbing roses next spring, which will shade this sun exposed room.

Then I got this great idea to plant lettuce this fall since the roses weren't in yet. I had no idea if it were too late or not.Apparently not. I've gotten 2 dinners of salads for 3 and it doesn't look like I've picked anything. It's rather gratifying to be harvesting from the garden in December, especially something I've not had much luck with in the past. :-)

What I Found in the Drafts

2011-12-02T20:15:00.002-06:00

One of my 3 resolutions for this year was to post 150 blogs. Don't know if I'll make that. I'll get close, but with working full time . . .

Another was to floss more. Well, I think I floss a little more, but IDK . . .

The other was to create a list of 101 in 1001. Cleaning up old blog drafts, I ran across this:

****
A list of 101 things I would like to do in 1001 days starting ____________ .
(I stole this idea from another blogger. I like the intentionality of it. There is the danger of just checking things off a list. But then there's also the danger of drifting through life and never doing anything but watch TV. UGH! Life is not a spectator sport!)

Home Life

Learn to bake a good loaf of bread
Develop a 5 week menu rotation [I've done this already this fall, wow, forgot all about that one]

Projects & Crafts

Finish the futon cover
Learn to oil paint
Get up to date on scrapbooks

Day Tripping

Take the girls downtown to see all the bronze sculptures
Take the girls to local university campus to see its outdoor sculptures
Visit the local garden's children's area and butterfly building

Way Out There

Audition for local community theater [no longer care about doing this]
Find - um, this one I'll explain later [oops too much later, I've forgotten what I wanted to find]

Intellectual Endeavors

Undergraduate degree in pastoral studies
Seminary

Sporting Endeavors

Learn to ride a horse
Take some golf lessons [Hey, I've actually golfed once and now own clubs - a start]

****

Forgot about starting this. Didn't get nearly 101. One thing actually got done before the list was completed and activated. A couple of others I've made starts on. Some I may never do. I think the 101 list resolution just won't be done. So much has happened this year. So many things are different. Don't really know what direction I want to go with some things. But it was mildly interesting for me. You can laugh at me. I did. :-D

The Story Tour

2011-12-02T19:13:00.004-06:00

Last night I had the opportunity to join a couple of friends and attend The Story tour. It's a Christian concert with songs that tell the story of the Bible. It touched me very deeply. I cried and cried.

It was cool in that it is a collaboration of several leading Christian artists. But the coolest thing is the accompanying video. I am a fairly sensitive person in that I see, feel, smell, taste, and hear intensely. I am especially visually driven. And the videos that accompanied the music were fantastic. They pulled you into the story, rather than paying attention to the artist actually performing. For a *star* to set aside the ego needs of attention and let the attention be given to the visuals of the story was appreciated. I loved it, though it was hard to just sit and enjoy it without doing *something.* I found myself wanted to work the merch table or direct the lights or be a stage hand. Being tired from my first week working full time in decades helped quell that a bit. The visuals helped pull me into the story and out of do something mode.

Anyway, if you get a chance to see The Story, do go.

And to whet your appetite, a link to a song.

That was my Christmas & Easter services rolled into one beautiful, moving evening. For come April, I will be working overtime. Tax season is back.

Thanksgiving

2011-12-02T18:59:00.005-06:00

A few pictures from a trip to my sister's for Thanksgiving.My dear sister in her lovely home's kitchen.
My father hanging with the Eldest.
Three cool chicks! :-D
Miss Adventure had a great time.
My sister and I took Miss Adventure for a walk to the playground to burn off some energy.
Miss Adventure is quite the model.

And what am I thankful for this year? A JOB!!

Success! Sort of . . .

2011-11-28T19:10:00.003-06:00

A while back, I tried to make this Olive Garden lemon cake. I pretty much failed in presentation. But it was still tasty. The Artist really likes it, so I wanted to try again.

This time the first cake came out of the pan nicely.The middle filling spread ever so nicely.

The top cake came out of its pan nicely, but just as I place it on the top, it split right down the center. The directions do say to use round cake pans. An engineer could probably tell me things about stresses with the square on the uneven surface that wouldn't be there with a round cake. But I didn't have round pans.I did have extra filling so instead of just doing the sides, I put a little on top as well. Trying to dress up the gaping canyon of the top. And I just wasn't very good at adding the crumbles. I put it out on the back porch to finish chilling. And it was yummy and cut fairly decently.Success! Sort of . . . at least I'll post pictures this time.

Cubicle Farm

2011-11-28T19:04:00.002-06:00

First day of work today. Well, not the actual job yet, just the training. It's really weird to be in a big office type firm. I've only worked small offices. The novelty right now is still making things pretty cool. Scan the badge to gain entrance to the offices. I got my badge this morning, so tomorrow morning I'll be able to enter the tunnel. But I think I'll call it the portal. Clearance to enter the portal into the pods. :-D

Security is a big deal. But they do have the best tax prep software.

But training is sooo slow. I've had exposure to all the stuff, so it's very easy for me. I'm already cruising around the program with ease. I can't see how it could possibly drag out 4 weeks. But then my classmates need the time.

I see lots and lots of DrP in my future. I'll have to take a walk at lunch to keep from ballooning another 100 pounds.

It's good to be back.

Silver Cliff

2011-11-23T19:20:00.003-06:00

So Sable Sand was so NOT it. Decided on Silver Cliff. And painted the hallway again. Then down the stairwell - scary and not very neat in places, but I'll never tell where. Then across the living room west wall. Finally the north wall around the fireplace. And I am FINISHED!!!!!I still have about 2/3 of the wall space in the basement to change to this color, but I can't start that project until May. :-)

I love this color. It is so right for the space. Well, at least I think so, and that's about all that matters. Mr. Wonderful says it's a good color for hanging pictures over. Pbbbbt!

I have a friend who told me that the WNW window lets in a red-toned light, so the cool colors offset that intensity. I don't know, but I do know I'm happy with this color.

And I'm tired. I did a *lot* of painting these past 3 days.

And if you want a gallon & a half of Sable Sand, please come get it.

And I don't think the bedroom curtains are going to be done by Thanksgiving.

Further News of the Eldest

2011-11-22T16:09:00.008-06:00

The Eldest went to the health department today to get immunizations needed for his upcoming trip to Ecuador. He has about a 1 in 4 chance of getting sick for about a week from the yellow fever vaccine. bleh! Typhoid was cheaper and lasted longer if you took it orally. So now in the fridge is a little box of oral typhoid vaccine which will take about a week to work through. And over Christmas break, he'll need to go back for more. But it's happening. Six weeks from today, it's happening. The eldest will board a plane for Ecuador. (The pic is from a 2006 mission trip to Kentucky.)

And Hallelujah!, his in country and plane tickets are covered! His immunizations are covered! All that's left is petrol to the big airport and back a couple of times, boots for the mountains (Merry Christmas from mom and dad), and some personal spending money. Wow! We were amazed and blessed by the friends who have helped with this trip. And the university kicked in some as well.

Six weeks from today. It's just starting to sink in.

Adventure with a purpose. So proud of my son.

The Ocean Has a Shore

2011-11-22T12:24:00.002-06:00

To be shallow is not a sign of being wicked, nor is shallowness a sign that there are no deeps: the ocean has a shore. . . . [don't] refuse to behave like Christians in the shallow concerns of life. -Chambers

It's okay to take joy in the little things of life, a pretty wreath by the door and lovely colors in one's house. And sometimes a need for a glass of water is just a need for a glass of water and has no hidden agenda. Give someone a drink, or better yet, drink with them.

Edgar Gets a Friend

2011-11-21T14:45:00.003-06:00

Well, I missed autumn. I actually had purchased a few more flowers since what I had was a little thin. But I kept thinking I'll change from summer to autumn after I finish painting. Yeah, right. And I am working on that. Having to change colors and start over didn't help, but I'm still not to that wall yet. But I *must* finish my painting project this week. More about that later.

I got a few things for Edgar for Christmas. And decided that today I was changing things out, painting done or no.
Edgar is ready for Christmas. Miss Adventure commented, as she watched me arrange things, "I double love Christmas!"
And at the post Halloween sale, I found a little friend for Edgar - Lenore.

Hope

2011-11-12T10:37:00.004-06:00

Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home

But it was only a fantasy
The wall was too high as you can see
No matter how he tried, he could not break free
And the worms ate into his brain

Hey you! Out there on the road
Always doing what you're told, can you help me?
Hey you! Out there beyond the wall
Breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me?

Hey you! don't tell me there's no hope at all . . .

I've been thinking about hope the past day or two. A week ago I would have told you that it would take a miracle and God wasn't into miracles for me.

Now, I still say it would take a miracle, but maybe God . . .

I have a modicum of hope. But if that hope is a fantasy, is it cruel to encourage hope? I don't know. It's hard to see from the inside.

Sable Sand - NOT

2011-11-11T10:10:00.003-06:00

Enough of the brainy stuff. My head still hurts from trying to think that hard.

When I picked out Emerald Village for the accent wall in the living room, I was pretty confident of my choice. And it turned out great! I love the color.

When I picked out Sea of Midnight for our bedroom, again, I was pretty confident of my choice. And it turned out great! I love the color.

When I picked out Sable Sand for our hallway/living room/stairwell/basement, I wasn't so sure. I had the little sample cards of several different tans and browns. I just wasn't really sure about any of them. Finally, I opted for Sable Sand.Ew. This won't do at all, especially for so much wall space in so many rooms. As I kept painting the hallway, I kept thinking, "oh, it will grow on me. It will dry darker. It will be better in daylight . . ." Finally, yesterday, I realized that I just don't like this color.

I think I already knew, deep down, that the color was wrong. Last Sunday, when Mr. Wonderful made a trip to the hardware store, I tagged along specifically to look at the paint colors. I began by looking at the tans and browns again. I don't know why I had this idea the wall had to be some version of creamy tanny brown. But I glanced over at the grays.

Gray. Hmm . . .

I grabbed a couple of gray grays, a purple-y gray, and a blue-ish gray.

When talking about the color with my artist yesterday, she picked up one of the grays I had. "What about this Caviler?" she asked.

"ooOOOoo" That just might be it. I pulled out the other grays I had picked up. We looked at them all. It was down to Caviler and Silver Cliff. And the winner is . . . Silver Cliff. I am pretty confident of this color choice. So much so, I'm going to send Mr. Wonderful for enough to do everything - the hallway, the living room, the alcove in the dining room, the stairwell, and half the basement walls. And I *know* I'm going to love it. I can hardly wait to get started. But I want to wait until tomorrow because we have a coupon for 20% off that's only good tomorrow.

I know what I'm doing all weekend. And next week. And probably the week after . . .

Blown Away part 2 - Time

2011-11-10T07:40:00.003-06:00

The distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955), a physicist

Last night's topic was time. It is really incomprehensible to me that motion and time are inversely related. Motion changes the passage of time. Here on earth we move so slowly and over such small distances that this change in the passage of time is imperceptible. But over the entire cosmos, these small, slow movements change the passage of time by hundreds of years.

Then there's S=k log W. Entropy. But why is it only in one direction? Why does time have a direction? Conclusion (I'm leaving a lot of details out) - at the Big Bang, everything must have been highly ordered and since then, all has been moving toward disorder. The Big Bang "started" time as we perceive it.

And the universe is ever expanding. That expansion rate, instead of slowing, is actually speeding up. Eventually, the cosmos will have expanded so far that we won't be able to see anything else in the cosmos. It will just be random particles zipping by. And without events to mark time (no sun for an earth to revolve around or spin beside), time becomes meaningless.

Is this a glimpse of eternity? Is this a way of understanding the timelessness of God? Before the Big Bang, there was no time. But if there was God before the Big Bang, and if the Big Bang "started" time, then God before the Big Bang existed in a state where time was meaningless. The eternity of the past? And if eventually the cosmos flies apart to the point where time is meaningless, is that the eternity of the future? And if past, present, and future are affected by motion, is that how time is irrelevant to God?

In the beginning, I AM.

Too much to wrap my brain around. I am again blown away.

Blown Away

2011-11-09T11:47:00.003-06:00

I love science. Especially cutting edge science. The type of stuff that stretches your mind past what it can comprehend. Quantum physics, string theory, dark energy.

Nova, the PBS program, has started this series call The Fabric of the Cosmos. I wish I could watch it with my full attention, but 4 year olds don't wait for the mysteries of the cosmos to settle in your brain. But it is utterly fascinating to think about.

Imagine a huge skyscraper, like the Empire State Building. Did you know that if you took all of the "space" out of it - not just the "space" in the rooms, but all the "space" at the atomic level - you would be left with "stuff" the size of a grain of rice. Now that grain of rice would "weigh" thousands of tons, but that's all the "stuff" that's in a huge building. Pretty wild.

We're nothing, really. And physicists at the cutting edge are beginning to wrestle with the concept that we're more like a holographic projection than we'd like to believe. It has something to do with black holes and what's being discovered about them. But in truth, we may really be 2 dimensional beings projecting from the face of a black hole in 3 dimensions. Pretty wild.

Or take the idea that everything that was, is, and will be already was and is and will be. And that ALL options from a thread are played out in thousands of multiple dimensions. Can't decide between orange juice and milk this morning? Don't worry in another dimension you'll choose orange juice where in this one you have chosen milk. ALL options occur. Good and Evil. Close escape here, disaster in another dimension. Near miss here, on target in another dimension. Pretty wild.

These things boggle my mind. But they also tend to make some things of faith not take so much faith. Especially the interconnectedness of us all. We are NOT separate beings. Whether we ascribe it the the Holy Spirit & brotherhood of believers, or to Karma and the cosmic oneness, or even to "The Force," we are connected so that if we hurt another, we hurt ourselves. And if we love each other as ourselves - that can only lead to a better life for ourselves.

And that bring to mind 3 scriptures:

But it does make a difference if you hurt your friend terribly, risking his eternal ruin! When you hurt your friend, you hurt Christ. -I Corinthians 8:12 (MSG)

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ - Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV)

For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. -Luke 12:48b (KJV)

Why Do You Dress Like That?

2011-11-07T13:35:00.002-06:00

Strangest thing yesterday. I was out buying milk from the dairy. I really do still buy milk. When the eldest is home, we go through 4 or 5 gallons a week. Without him, 1.5 to 2. What a difference. But I digress . . .

I hope out of the car to make my way into the store when a man stops me and asks, "Do you wear the clothes you do because of your religion?" That will stop one short. I do dress a bit oddly. But not in the flour sack of a dress "Christian" way, nor do I wear a burka. I tend to go for a bit of a dramatic flair. I *like* swooshy, swoopy sleeves, intricate embroideries, and lots of swish and swing to my tops. But I don't wear what I wear because of some religious rules; I wear what I wear because I like it. If it were religious rules about clothing, I'd be breaking the rules just to break ridiculous rules. I have a very low tolerance for idiocy in religious rules.

But instead of a quick answer and off on my errand, something in me stopped and just chatted with the gentleman for about 10 minutes. We talked of Los Angeles and its teeming multitudes. We talked of open country and small towns. I talked of Kansas City and he talked of a little, unincorporated town in the country. We talked of tombstones and centuries and waiting at stop lights.

. . . "the time has come," the walrus said,
"to speak of many things:
of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax,
of cabbages and kings,
and why the sea is boiling hot,
and whether pigs have wings" . . .

I think he may have just been lonely and wanting someone to just pass a little time with. The afternoon was beautiful and I had no promises to keep. And last night, before I drifted off to sleep, I said a prayer for him. That he would find company, someone to talk with, and not be quite so lonely. I wish I would have told him I would be praying for him. Baby steps.

Prayers for Strangers is a book that has really touched me. What we don't need is a bunch of religious leaders berating us for their hangups. What we do need is love, a little compassion, and maybe a prayer from a passing stranger.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. -Micah 6:8 (NIV)

But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously—
take God seriously. -Micah 6:8 (MSG)

The Boat Shrank

2011-11-06T11:32:00.003-06:00

Before I get to what's on my heart today, I have to mention something very cool. I felt an earthquake last night! Here in the Midwest, this is quite the big deal. The quake itself was quite some distance away. All I felt here was the bed shaking for a few seconds. At first I thought it was the wind shaking the house for it was very windy. But no, this was different. And turning to the TV, I discovered that it was indeed an earthquake. With no one hurt and no damage, it was very cool and kind of weird. However, to experience a quake with extensive damage and many hurt would be frightening and heart breaking. So it was cool and without harm.

But on to my story. I had the weirdest dream last night. I was in a row boat on a wide, serene river, going about my business in no particular hurry. I stopped at a dock to visit with a friend. It was a beautiful drowsy sort of day. After an hour or so, I returned to my boat to set off on the river again. But there was a problem. The boat had shrunk. I could barely get into it. Once in, the boat began to sink below the water; I had to get back on the dock quickly. The boat continued to shrink in front of my eyes. I finally scooped it up and held it in my hand. What was once a valuable and loved vehicle for me was now useless. No more than a toy. Certainly not the dependable vessel that had faithfully carried me so many places.

As I stood there stunned from my unexpected loss, a vendor from a nearby carryout shack called to me. He said that my order had been phoned ahead and would be ready for me when I arrived. ??? I hadn't ordered anything. Where was I supposed to be going? How would I get there?

And so I woke up to the buzzing of my alarm. Where am I supposed to be going? How am I going to get there? I don't know. I don't really like this limbo state I'm in right now. But I am beginning to get used to it. And it has its own sort of enjoyableness to it. It is a strange thing for me to live completely in the present. I'm a planner. I am driven to have everything laid out, details to take care of, lists to complete. But for now, that cannot be the case. And I'm learning to enjoy the rush of it.

What Makes You Cry?

2011-11-01T11:27:00.005-05:00

A week or two ago I followed a link to this article. The gist of it is "pay attention to what makes you cry." For someone in mid-life, for whom being a mommy is beginning to wear a little thin, (I love my littles, but I've been at this for over 20 years and I'm only about half way there), it just spoke to me.

Then I read the book, Praying for Strangers. And I cried. And I cried. The stories just touched something in me. But each little story started with a quote, most about prayer. And I want to save them here. (A library book which is currently 6 days overdue. I'm hopeless.)

The great tragedy of life is not unanswered prayer, but unoffered prayer. -F. B. Meyer

Prayer moves the hand that moves the world. -John Aikman Wallace

He will regard the prayer of the destitute. -Psalm 102:17

Whoever in prayer can say, "Our Father," acknowledges and should feel the brotherhood of the whole race of mankind. -Tyron Edwards

We never know the worth of water until the well runs dry. -Thomas Fuller

Prayer changes people and people change things. -Burton Hills

Rich is the person who has a praying friend. -Janice Hughes

Prayer is translation. A man translates himself into a child asking for all there is in a language he has barely mastered. -Leonard Cohen

If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded. -Maya Angelou

I do believe we're all connected. I do believe in positive energy. I do believe in the power of prayer. I do believe in putting good out into the world. And I believe in taking care of each other. -Harvey Fierstein

Prayer is not eloquence, but earnestness; not the definition of helplessness, but the feeling of it; not figures of speech, but earnestness of soul. -Hannah More

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. -Abraham Lincoln

Our prayers must mean something to us if they are to mean anything to God. -Malbie D. Babcock

But now I am past all comforts here but prayers. -Shakespeare, Henry VIII

I believe in prayer. It's the best way we have to draw strength from heaven. -Josephine Baker

Prayer is not an old woman's idle amusement. Properly understood and applied, it is the most potent instrument of action. -Mahatma Gandhi

Prayer is nothing else than being on terms of friendship with God. -Theresa of Avila

One of the secrets in life is that all that is really worth doing is what we do for others. -Lewis Carroll

Prayer only from the mouth is no prayer. -Jamaican proverb

God can pick sense out of confused prayer. -Richard Sibbes

There are thoughts which are prayers. There are moments when, whatever the posture of the body, the soul is on its knees. -Victor Hugo

Prayer, like radium, is a luminous and self-generating form of energy. -Dr. Alexis Carrel

Courage is fear that has said its prayers. -Dorothy Bernard

God be kind to all good Samaritans and also bad ones. For such is the kingdom of heaven. -John Gardner

Walking with God down the avenue of prayer we acquire something of His likeness; and unconsciously we become witnesses to others of His beauty and His grace. -E. M. Bounds

Prayer moves the hand that moves the universe. -Anonymous

God answers sharp and sudden on some prayers, and thrusts the thing we have prayed for in our face, a gauntlet with a gift in't. - Elizabeth Barret Browning

When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I don't pray, they don't. -William Temple

I do not intend to quit. I want to get along with you. That is my prayer, to find common ground. -Margaret Craft

When you pray for anyone you tend to modify your personal attitude toward him. -Norman Vincent Peale

He loves each of us like there is only one of us to love. -Max Lucado

But miracles don't c-c-cause belief - real miracles don't m-m-make faith out of thin air; you have to already have faith in order to believe in real miracles. -John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

Prayer does not fit us for the greater work; prayer is the greater work. -Oswald Chambers

No words exchanged, no time to exchange. -Dave Matthews

Good things happen when you meet strangers. -Yo Yo Ma

He who prays for his neighbors will be heard for himself. -The Talmud

Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine. -Kathleen Norris

There is nothing that makes us love a man so much as praying for him. -William Law

If thou shouldst never see my face again, pray for my soul. -Alfred, Lord Tennyson

When the fire of prayer goes out, the barrenness of busyness takes over. -George Carey

Every child you encounter is a divine appointment. -Wess Stafford

Most men pray for power, the strength to do things. Few people pray for love, the quality to be someone. -Robert Foster

Wishing will never be a substitute for prayer. -Ed Cole

More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of. -Alfred, Lord Tennyson

The less you know, the more you believe. -Bono

You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out God hates all the same people you do. -Anne Lamott

Prayer is a triumph, in whatever form. -Terri Guillemets

I greet you. Not quite as the world sends greetings, but with profound esteem and with the prayer that for you now and forever, the day breaks, and the shadows flee away. -Fra Giovanni Giocondo

Prayer gives a man the opportunity of getting to know a gentleman he hardly ever meets. I do not mean his maker, but himself. -William Inge

You must pray that the way be long, full of adventures and experiences. -Constantine Peter Cavafy

Love one another. -Jesus

If God can work through me, He can work through anyone. -Saint Francis of Assisi

Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble: prayer is a life attitude. -Walter A. Mueller

Prayer requires more of the heart than of the tongue. -Adam Clarke

Prayers go up and blessings come down. -Yiddish proverb

Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water. -Elizabeth Gilbert

If you can't pray as you want to, pray as you can. God knows what you mean. -Vance Havner

I believe that prayer is our most powerful contact with the greatest force in the universe. -Loretta Young

I believe in prayer and in strong belief. -Tina Turner

There comes a time when a person just has to do what his heart, what his soul tells him to do. -Jack Reed

A prayer in its simplest definition is merely a wish turned Godward. -Phillips Brooks

To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Intercessory prayer might be defined as loving our neighbour on our knees. -Charles Brent

The great people of the earth today are the people who pray, (not) those who talk about prayer . . . but I mean those who take time and pray. -S. D. Gordon

Prayer draws us near to our own souls. -Herman Melville

You can pray for someone even if you don't think God exists. -Real Live Preacher

The feeling remains that God is on the journey, too. -Saint Teresa of Avila

Our prayer must not be self-centered. It must arise not only because we feel our own need as a burden we must lay upon God, but also because we are so bound up in love for our fellow men that we feel their need as acutely as our own. To make intercession for men is the most powerful and practical way in which we can express our love for them. -John Calvin

No one who has had a unique experience with prayer has a right to withhold it from others. -Soon Mei-Ling

Look at everything as though you were seeing it for the first time or the last time. Then your time on earth will be filled with glory. -Betty Smith

Prayer is more than meditation. In meditation the source of strength is one's self. When one prays he goes to a source of strength greater than his own. -Chiang Kai-Shek

You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes. -Winnie the Pooh

God does not stand afar off as I struggle to speak. He cares enough to listen with more than sacual attention. he translates my scrubby words and hears what is truly inside. He hears my sighs and uncertain gropings as fine prose. -Timothy Jones

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T09:37:00.002-05:00

Yesterday had several contacts that were so precious to me. Friends who are praying for me. I so very much need that right now. Thank you so much for your care.

. . . but it is Halloween today and I can't resist posting my favorite macabre poem today.

Temper of Time
by Sylvia Plath

An ill wind stalks
While evil stars whir
And all the gold apples
Go bad to the core.

Black birds of omen
Now prowl on the bough
With a hiss of disaster
Sybil's leaves blow.

Through closets of copses
Tall skeletons walk;
Nightshade and nettles
Tangle the track.

In the ramshackle meadow
Where Kilroy would pass
Lurks the sickle-shaped shadow
Of snake in the grass.

Approaching his cottage
By crooked detour
He hears the gruff knocking
Of the wolf at the door.

His wife and his children
Hang riddled with shot.
There's a hex on the cradle
And death in the pot.

Bwa ha ha ha . . .

Halloween Craftiness

2011-10-30T17:06:00.008-05:00

I have had a blast getting ready for Halloween this year. And if the forecast holds, it should be a beautiful evening for treating. The candy is hidden away so it will last until tomorrow night. The costumes for the littles are ready. Miss Adventure will be a licensed fairy with purchased costume. But that's okay, she loves fairies and will play dress up for quite some time with it. Plus Mama didn't have to stress about making that one. My little guy's was tougher. Mr. Wonderful took him shopping, but he didn't want anything. On the other hand, having watched some cartoons about Halloween, he really wants to go treating this year. So I got a plaid shirt from the thrift store, sewed some raffia to its sleeves & pockets and to a hat, and I sewed this little crow from some felt and stuffed it with cotton balls. A rope belt and we have a scarecrow. I stressed about it a little yesterday as we prepared for the downtown treat walk, but it was finished in time and looks okay. My little guy really didn't want more (I think).
We also made the coolest sugar cookies. I've had to make another batch of dough. It's in the fridge now, chilling so we can bake more tonight. I love frosted sugar cookies. The ghosts and cats turned out so cool. The leaves, not so much. They would have done better with orange frosting and chocolate veins. But I prefer chocolate frosting, so they were tasty, just not as cool looking.

But the big thing was a craft project. I saw a picture somewhere in my web surfing of a handmade garland. I thought I'd give it a try.
First my Artist drew some stars and moons on some black foam board. Then we both took turns cutting all those shapes out.
Then how to hang the shapes. I decided to make a knot every 3 inches to tie to. Putting the knots in the first 7 or 8 feet wasn't too bad. I needed 20 feet. But it's doable. Just don't tie the knots too tight. I threaded the hanging string through the knots.
My Artist and Miss Adventure getting ready for the *best* part - painting glue then adding glitter.
Glitter ended up everywhere, but Miss Adventure kept saying, "I'm so happy." What parent could resist that?
All our shapes (I think my Artist said we did 91) ready to go.
Attaching the finished shapes to the cord.
I had to have Mr. Wonderful's help hanging it.
But around our front porch . . .
. . . glittering in the evening sun . . .
. . . and making the coolest shadows on the house.

Friday was a still day. Yesterday and today the wind has been wrecking havoc with the garland. Glitter is everywhere, being knocked off the shapes and the strings are all tangled. Tomorrow isn't supposed to be so windy, so I'll untangle everything for the evening's activities. It may not last for next year, but the important part was making it. It would have been far easier (and probably cheaper) to just buy something premade. But it was so much fun for Miss Adventure. And I really enjoyed working on this project with my Artist. She really is a fun person. Mr. Wonderful and I have done pretty well thus far. :-)

In Defense of FaceBook

2011-10-27T11:27:00.002-05:00

A few days ago I saw a fb post quoting someone as saying:

Facebook is like a refrigerator. You keep opening it wanting to find something good.

Now I didn't hear the comment, so I won't say who it was. And I didn't hear the context either. But the implication is that facebook doesn't have anything good in it. I disagree.

You see, a rich man will go the refrigerator filled with food wanting to find something good and not be satisfied with anything. He is rich and sated and jaded. A poor man will go to a refrigerator filled with food and be grateful for the bounty he finds for he *knows* hunger.

It is the same with facebook. If one is blessed with community, facebook is a side dish, a pleasant distraction at times, but not especially important. But there are those who do not have a lot of extended family near them or their family relationships are stained or down right hostile. There are those who may not have a job where their co-workers love and support them. (I once had a job where I referred to myself as bastard staff because I was staff, but not *staff*.) There are those who may not even have a job at all. There are those who do not have a lot of friends. For these people facebook is essential contact.

I have fb friends I've never met in person, but share unique circumstances with. I have fb friends I know, but our paths in the week don't physically cross. I desperately need these fb friends. They encourage me when I'm having a bad day. They share my joys when something good happens. They understand when I'm feeling blue, remorseful, silly, or top of the world. And I'm there for them as well. Joy shared is doubled, sorrow shared is halved. Without facebook, I would have very few to share with.

I have this vague recollection of a verse of scripture that says something to the effect that the rich should not despise the poor for being poor. If you don't need facebook, you are truly blessed with riches of community. But don't put down those for whom facebook is their community.

And for those of you who have the riches of extensive community, but share your friendship on fb with those who may not - Thank You. You bring blessings to those who might not otherwise receive blessings.

Papa's Pumpkin Patch

2011-10-26T15:44:00.007-05:00

This post is mostly pictures, but I'll begin with the end. These are our pumpkins this year. Each night I go out to light them up.

Now how we got them was a trip to Papa's Pumpkin Patch. We had planned to go with our homeschooling group to a pumpkin patch about an hour away. Lots more to do there, but more expensive as well. And with our little ones the ages and ways they are, this turned out to be much better. The whole family went and we spent a whopping $13 at the farm and brought home 3 pumpkins and 3 small gourds. At the other place, $12 at the school discount was what it was going to take to get just Miss Adventure and I in the door. Maybe when the littles are a little older, but not for a few years yet, I think. Anyway, to pictures.
The giant slide was a huge hit.
Sometimes Miss Adventure is so cute it's sickening.
My little guy really enjoyed hauling the pumpkins back from the field.
And since we didn't spend too much at the pumpkin patch and it was Happy Hour, we stopped for slushies on the way home. It was a perfect day for the pumpkin patch.

Getting It

2011-10-25T12:54:00.004-05:00

What follows is an excerpt that I *so* get. Some days I actually get relationships, but those days are too few and require a tremendous amount of effort. Most days I get just enough to skate by. And then there are those too numerous days that I am totally at a loss. It's not that I don't want or need relationships, friendships. I just have no clue how they work. Though I study other people to try to figure it out, this is one subject I just cannot seem to master.

In an article called Where Have I Been All My Life, written shortly after I met Kat and received my diagnosis, I expressed the beauty and pain of living on the autism spectrum. ‎”To have Asperger Syndrome is to feel as if you roam the world in an antique diving suit, cut off from everyone. Though something of what others say can be interpreted, their words are muffled by a devastatingly beautiful, frightening and complex symphony. This has been the source of both my lifelong joy and solitary despair, for as much as I would like to share this music, it seems no one else can hear it.”

Deletions

2011-10-25T12:17:00.002-05:00

I had to remove a post today. I may put it back in a few months. It may be permanently gone from my blog. I had to remove a blog about a trip Miss Adventure and her classmates made to the zoo last spring. I kept seeing it in stats as viewed. Again and again and again. It was beginning to creep me out. It had cutest picture of Miss Adventure with the wind gently blowing her hair. But I am just uneasy about how often it was being viewed. To err on the side of caution, it is gone. Sad, but prudent I think.

Tackling a Big Project

2011-10-20T14:17:00.002-05:00

Now that Sea of Midnight adorns the walls of my bedroom, it may finally be time to do something about curtains. It's only been 2 1/2 years.

So I've been curtain shopping. Wow. Expensive. And I'll need how many of those?

And curtain hanging hardware. O dear. This is adding up.

But fabric heavy enough for curtains isn't cheap either. And can I possibly make curtains that actually turn out, look good, block light, and insulate on cold winter nights?

I spent a couple hours surfing the net yesterday looking at curtain how-to's, hints, suppliers. My head is swimming with information that I will need to assimilate and figure out.

I want to get curtains in the living room as well - once I finally get that painted. Two gallons of paint sitting here mocking me and my plans. The living room window faces the north west. We lose a lot of heat there.

So I found some fabric I like (normally $22/yard on sale for $10/yard) and took the plunge. I'm going to be making curtains for the bedroom. And even after buying all that I need, it will be less expensive that buying already made curtains. And if they turn out well, I'll take the plunge for the living room as well.

I'll show you the finished product. If I ever get it finished. Don't expect any pictures for at least a month. By Thanksgiving is the goal. And for me, that's a fairly ambitious goal. We'll see.

News of the Eldest

2011-10-18T13:26:00.004-05:00

So here was the hint about the Eldest's exciting news.It's a picture of somewhere in Ecuador. The Eldest has wanted to do a mission trip of some sort for several years. He's made a couple of attempts, but things always fell through. Until now that is! He's headed to Ecuador over semester break.

He's going with a group of students & adults with the Kansas State University chapter of Engineers Without Borders and Ecumenical Campus Ministries (ECM). You can read ECM's information about the trip here.

This group is partnering with the Peace Corps to repair the single source of water to an Ecuadorian village. You can learn more about this Peace Corps project here. If you wish to donate to the Peace Corps portion of the project, you can do so at that link. The community itself is putting up 77% of the funds needed.

The Eldest, on the other hand, needs to raise his own expenses. He's been participating in fund raising events in Manhattan, but those funds are being split between the 20 people going. The Eldest needs approximately $1300 for the trip. Around $900 is for air fare. Plus he needs about $300 in vaccinations before the trip. But he already has his passport. :-)

If you could help my son financially, leave me contact information in the comments. I moderate comments, so any comment left with contact information will NOT be published, just used for getting information to you. Any gift for my son would be just that - a gift. No tax deduction.

Whether you can help with his trip expenses or not, there is something very important anyone could do for him. Pray to your God. He has several prayer needs.

1. Trip safety. Tentative dates, depending on final airline availability, are January 4-15. He'll be out of the country for his 21st birthday.

2. Health. Another country, bugs one isn't used to. And he'll be a few days in the Amazon River Basin and the rest of the time at 10,000 ft. That's rough for us flatlanders.

3. Group harmony. That the Eldest will be a blessing to the others in the group and that the group, overall, is able to work together for this village.

4. Project. That things will go well for this project in getting needed government approvals and such so that this village will continue to have a dependable source of potable water. Also that the team is able to be a blessing in the week they are there.

5. Finances. We don't have a lot of extra funds and the Eldest has committed to this trip. Pray that funding arrives. I have not been able to find work and the Eldest wasn't able to find work this past summer. So this is a huge step of faith for him (and Mom too).

6. Spanish. The Eldest is taking Spanish III this semester. And it's kicking him around. He's told me he's speaking much better Spanish, but he's just not getting it fast enough to keep a good grade. He's passing, but his GPA will suffer. Pray that he begins to get it, especially verb conjugation.

7. Next Summer. And while you're praying for my son, pray that he will have work next summer, especially that he could find an internship.

Thank you all in advance for your prayers and care for one who means so much to me.

A Day on Campus

2011-10-16T14:21:00.003-05:00

I got to spend yesterday with the Eldest at the state university. He needed a few things and I needed a mama fix.
Since I had a car this time, we went away from campus for lunch at Old Chicago. I hadn't eaten at this chain before. Very good artisan pizza.
In the little plaza outside the restaurant was this charming fountain. I love fountains. Something about the splashing noises and the moving, changing water.
Then we spent most of the afternoon walking campus. So much has changed since I was there. But somethings do not. We found this sundial donated by the class of 1908.
It read 5 pm. But it was right at 4 pm. You just don't adjust sundials for daylight savings time. :-D

Some exciting news about the Eldest in my next post. But I need to chase down a couple of details. However, a hint.

27 Years

2011-10-14T21:44:00.005-05:00

Tonight Mr. Wonderful and I went out to dinner to celebrate 27 years (which was officially yesterday, but our sitter had Karate class). We've fallen into the pattern (rut, I'm afraid Mr. Wonderful would say, but he humors me) of going to a seafood chain. They have run an endless shrimp special every year at our anniversary for several years. And I *love* shrimp scampi. I eat it once a year. On our anniversary. :-)
Mr. Wonderful, the man with a fish through his head. :-D
Well, I didn't get the waiter to take a picture, but I did the old extended arm, take a shot approach. Mr. Wonderful tried, but *ew* he kept holding the camera too low and getting up the nose shots. Bleh.
A lovely salad to start with those amazing garlic butter biscuits.
Another round of these luscious little guys. Mmmm. But I am over stuffed. Time to sleep it off.

Opposing Forces

2011-10-14T13:29:00.002-05:00

A little poem I ran across this afternoon.

Opposing Forces

Fear fuels fear to . . .
Capture the mind
Ensnare the body
Still the song
And silence the teacher

Love begets love to . . .
Gentle the mind
Nurture the body
Free the song
And embrace the teacher.

I love that part "still the song."

And I *am* going to take my camera tonight and make the waiter take a picture.

No Pictures to Protect the Incompetent

2011-10-12T13:01:00.000-05:00

I try. I've been trying new recipes to get a little variety in the meal thing around here. Mr. Wonderful thought last night's taco was again, don't we have this every week. It had been 3 weeks. I try.

Anyway, Andrea posted about this dessert she made for Collin's birthday. It sounded good. I thought I'd give it a try. It's a good thing last night's tacos was a fairly simple meal. I can make a monumental mess with things.

And that's why there are NO pictures with this post. To protect the incompetent. That is me.

Everything was actually going quite well. The cakes looked very nice in the pans. The filling mixed up quite well. The cream whipped easily. I was short 1/4 cup short of powered sugar for the crumbles, so a quick trip to a nearby grocery was necessary. But that's pretty routine for me when I'm trying something new.

Then I took the cakes out of the pan to assemble the dessert. Uh oh. I didn't butter and flour the pans quite well enough. That's putting it mildly I'm afraid. The cakes pretty much fell apart. The filling was chilled, but maybe not enough. I put the filling between the cakes. And it began to ooze out the sides. The sides were to have filling on them as well. Just had to smooth it all out. Top wasn't supposed to have anything, but I put some of the filling on top, hoping to make it look a little better by covering up the cake. Crumbles were pressed into the sides as best as I could, but things were sinking fast. Couldn't use about a third of the crumbles. Now to chill this mess for 3 hours. Wrapped it up in film, trying to hold it all together.

It didn't look pretty at all. It pretty much fell apart into piles instead of slices. . . . But it was pretty good. My Artist really liked it. So, because of the trouble, I won't make it often, but it will be made again. And maybe I can learn from my mistakes. I do have a few things to try differently. And *if* I get something that looks pretty next time, I'll include a picture.

Food

2011-10-11T15:37:00.001-05:00

*sigh* Food. I am NOT an epicure. There are some times I'd just rather not be hungry without having to eat. (But don't mess with my DrP, I'm just sayin'.)

But, by default, I'm in charge of what we eat. Too often I've relied on favorites so often that they become yucky by repetition. I've tried planning a week of meals, but by the end of the week, the plan has long been abandoned. And that leads to too many meals out, which gets expensive. And then eating out begins to lose its specialness as well.

Aye, what to do?

At the start of September, I tried something a little different. The 3 week meal plan. I took everything we sometimes eat and spread it out over 3 weeks. I plan 8 meals a week. All dinners plus Sunday lunch. The remainder of lunches are whatever you can rummage out of the fridge with leftovers, sandwiches, or frozen pizza. It's every man for himself. (Don't worry, someone does look after the little ones.)

We ate what was on the rotation, whether we felt like it or not. It worked well the first time through. Second time through, not so much. Some things were liked enough to have again, but other things were "not this again already." I needed more weeks. That means more recipes. I've been experimenting and have gained another week's worth of meals. So now I have a 4 week rotation, no repeats. We'll see how this goes.

I'll keep trying new things until I get at least a 5 week rotation. Then trying new things would be to replace not so loved meals. It is such a relief to me not to have to sit down each week to figure out what we're going to eat. It's already laid out. And we have so much more variety. And I have a stocked cupboard. I used to be at the grocery store almost every day. Now once a week for a big one. And then occasionally I do forget something.

Next up, start teaching My Artist how to shop and what to shop for so I can send her if the need arises.

But I really am enjoying the reduced stress about food.

Sea of Midnight

2011-10-09T15:53:00.006-05:00

I have been wanting to change the color of our master bedroom since the day we moved in. It was brown. Now I have nothing against brown. I've plans to add some nice, deep brown to some of our living room walls (where I already have a deep red and forest green, so brown would be nice). And if you love brown, yay! I just prefer other colors.
So here's our brown bedroom wall with some drywall patching and just beginning to tape.
Of my two painting projects for this fall, the bedroom was the smaller one. So I started with it. But I had to move all the furniture to the middle of the room and still be able to access drawers and such.
It made for a tight squeeze and not the most pleasant of ways to paint in tiny little passages around the outside of the room. And don't pay any attention to all that dust. I love having open windows and until this past weekend, we hadn't had a good rain in 4 months. It's been dry and dusty.
Here's a look at the window corner. You can see my beautiful morning glories in the south window. I love how cottage-y it makes my home feel. Plus they saved us lots of money this summer. Record heat, record number of days over 100 degrees (60 or so, I've forgotten the final count), yet for July, August, and September we used LESS electricity than last year. The south wall used to feel warm to the touch inside even with the AC on. Not this year. :-)Sea of Midnight. That is such a cool name for a color. And I *love* this color in our bedroom. Now to get my pictures hung and I'll finally be moved into this room.

The Eldest

2011-10-09T14:54:00.004-05:00

Doing some catching up on this lovely, rainy Sunday afternoon. I so love rain. I've missed it so much. I should probably live in Seattle or someplace in the Northwest where it rains more often. But then I wouldn't have that big blue bowl of Midwest sky. Can't have everything, I guess.

Anyway, some pictures from August when we took the Eldest off to the State University.Here, with his roommate. Much better fit this time. Engineers. Not so much time devoted to partying and coming back in the wee hours of weekday nights.
He was planning to join Mr. Wonderful's fraternity. But there were some problems that we didn't find out about until very late in the summer. So the dorms were full by the time we knew that would be the route we'd need to take. But they've converted old married student housing to dorm-like apartments. Here's the outside. It's got 4 bedrooms, 2 per room. And 3 small baths with a tiny kitchen. It's farther from campus and without true dorm feel. But it's a place to lie one's head.
That evening, we went to the nearby (walking distance) business district and had supper at Coco Bolo's. I'd never eaten there before.
We had some wonderful stuffed mushrooms. Dinner was good, too. It was just nice being with the Eldest, knowing I wasn't going to see him for a good long time.

Next Saturday, though, I've plans to see him. But there is a possibility it won't happen. Just have to wait and see.

Karate Demo & Award Winning Artist

2011-10-09T14:41:00.008-05:00

I've been trying to get a pic of My Artist doing Tae Kwon Do. I really want a picture of one of her kicks. She gets her foot above her head. It's pretty awe inspiring. She can also clear a 4 ft obstacle. She's pretty amazing. But with the delay of my little camera, plus I'm still getting used to it, I'm always too late or too early. But still here are a few pictures.
Ready for anything.
Fighting stance. (I think. Don't quote me. I'm just the mom.)
She's tough. I don't worry about her any where. She can kick anyone's rear.
Yet she's a beautiful artist. Both her and her picture. Here's her 1st place watercolor (the flowers) at the state fair. I was able to take 1 more picture then the battery was depleted. Argh. I forgot to check power before we left. At least I got the important one.

Mama Scores

2011-10-07T14:51:00.003-05:00

I've finally downloaded pictures from the camera. (July was the last time I downloaded.) So I've much to share in the next few days. But just a quick one for today. Laundry is piled high and it's time for another grocery hunt and gather trip.

Our little town had a festival last night with all sorts of food booths and demonstrations downtown. The artist was there doing karate. I'll post pictures of that later. But first I want to brag on some savvy shopping. Well, really it was lucky shopping. A charity second hand shop is located downtown. And since we were already there, the Artist and I stopped in. I found this cute top for a dollar. Then I found this cute skort (skirt over shorts) for a dollar. Miss Adventure is looking good for $2. Mama is pleased.

Study Guide Coming Soon

2011-10-06T15:28:00.004-05:00

As I've said before, Rob Bell's book Love Wins has been a big help to me as of late. But I want more. So I was glad to discover that there is a study guide being published, The Love Wins Companion: A Study Guide for Those Who Want to Go Deeper. It's coming out November 15. I certainly plan to purchase it. Mr. Wonderful and I will be going through it. (A note to local readers - is there any interest in going through the study with us in a more formal manner? Send me an email if you're interested. Check my fb site for my email address. It's changed recently. I can always use more friends!)

Anyway, David Vanderveen is the study guide editor. He had a recent post that I'm going to steal just a few tidbits from. You can read the whole post yourself if you'd like.

Many Fundamentalists have been concerned lately with a movement towards Christ redeeming everything and not just the few lucky buggers who elbow their way into heaven’s supposedly Titanic-sized lifeboats. Somehow, they think that a God who would torture people forever in conscious torment is a story the world needs to hear. They seem to revel in revealing a God who makes the Nazi death camps seem humane.

They point to a future escape from this world where none of what happens here really endures. If that’s the truth of what God is, then I’m reverting to my Frisian pagan roots. Valhalla is a thousand times better than that.

The truth is that Jesus didn’t talk about burning non-believers in conscious torment forever. He did talk about burning the trash off of the religious leaders who were tormenting their followers on Earth with the weight of extra rules no one could fulfill.

The extra weight of extra rules . . . rules that so often do more harm than good. Rules that demand unreasonable caution be given more weight than compassion. Rules that insist that compliance is more important than people. So sad, so very sad.

And I wonder WWJD? Cliche, but still . . .

Tangled

2011-10-03T21:11:00.003-05:00

Sunday night the family had a pizza & movie night. Our movie of choice - Tangled. Mr. Wonderful had not yet seen it. I love the movie. I tease about loving Mother Gothel, but truly she is my favorite character. I usually love the villain. I especially love this one. I'm just twisted.

My favorite lines: Look in that mirror. I see a strong, confident, beautiful young woman. Oh look, you're here too!

Miss Adventure has blond hair that we let her wear pretty long for a 4 year old of her active, messy approach to life. Each evening I comb it out. Past couple of nights I've begun to sing the healing song:

Flower gleam and glow
Let your power shine
Make the clock reverse
Bring back what was mine

Heal what has been hurt
Change the fates' design
Save what has been lost
Bring back what was mine

What once was mine

If only it were that easy at times.

Miss Adventure loves "Rapunzel, let down your hair."

Ah, but the world is a dark, cold, cruel place. And sometimes I wish I had a tower to run away to.

Miscellaneous

2011-10-03T12:33:00.002-05:00

And a few other quotes I wanted to remember:

If you want to find the secrets of the Universe, think in terms of energy, frequency, and vibration. - Nikola Tesla (1856-1943)

It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. - Epictetus (55-135)

The world is but a canvas to our imaginations. - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

Creation is only the projection into form of that which already exists. - Srimad Bhagavatam (9th century)

Atoms or elementary particles themselves are not real; they form a world of potentialities or possibilities rather than one of things or facts. - Werner Heisenberg (1901-1976), a quantum physicist

Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment. -Lao Tzu (circa 6th century BC)

In the beginning there were only probabilities. The universe could only come into existence if someone observed it. It does not matter that the observers turned up several billion years later. The universe exists because we are aware of it. - Martin Rees (B. 1942), an astrophysicist

In our universe we are tuned into the frequency that corresponds to physical reality. But there are an infinite number of parallel realities coexisting with us in the same room, although we cannot tune into them. - Steve Weinberg (B. 1933), a quantum physicist

The distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955), a physicist

In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906-1945)

Taking the first footstep with a good thought, the second with a good word, and the third with a good deed, I entered Paradise. - the book of Arda Viraf (circa 6th century)

If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. - Gautama Buddha (563-483BC)

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. - Scott Adams (B 1957)

So astounding are the facts in this connection that it would seem as though the Creator himself had electrically designed this planet. - Nikola Tesla (1856-1943)

We need to be the change we wish to see in the world. - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

Someday when men have conquered the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we will harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire. - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881-1955)

Thoughts on Love

2011-10-03T11:47:00.002-05:00

Ran across some quotes on love I wanted to remember.

It is the cause of all perfection of all things throughout the universe. - the Emerald Tablet (circa 3000 BC)

Take away love and our earth is a tomb. - Robert Browning (1812-1889)

Whether humanity will consciously follow the law of love, I do not know. But that need not disturb me. The law will work just as the law of gravitation works whether we accept it or not. - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life. That word is love. - Sophocles (496-406 BC)

. . . are summed up in this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. - Saint Paul (circa 5-67)

The measure of love is love without measure. - Saint Bernard of Clairvaux (1090-1153)

There is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love: the more they give, the more they possess. - Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926)

There is a sense in the tree which feels your love and responds to it. It does not respond or show its pleasure in our way or in any way we can now understand. - Prentice Mulford (1834-1891)

Love is the greatest power on earth. It conquers all things. - Peace Pilgrim (1908-1981)

Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.' Look what happens with a Love like that! It lights up the whole sky. - Hafez (1315-1390)

When one has once fully entered the realm of love, the world - no matter how imperfect - becomes rich and beautiful - it consists solely of opportunities for love - Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-155)

The law of love could be best understood and learned through little children. - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

You are rewarded not according to your work or your time but according to the measure of your love. - Saint Catherine of Siena (1347-1380)

It is not how much we give but how much love we put into giving. - Mother Teresa (1910-1997)

Extend to each person, no matter how trivial the contact, all the care and kindness and understanding and love that you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

The entire law is summed up in a single command, Love your neighbor as yourself. - Saint Paul (circa 5-67)

Hate is not conquered by hate. Hate is conquered by love. This is a law eternal - Gautama Budda (563-483 BC)

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.
Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.
Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.
- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

When all the people in the world love one another, then the strong will not overpower the weak, the many will not oppress the few, the wealthy will not mock the poor, the honored will not disdain the humble, and the cunning will not deceive the simple. - Mozi (circa 470-circa 391 BC)

Where there is the greatest love, there are always miracles. - Willa Cather (1873-1947)

As love grows in you, beauty grows too. For love is the beauty of the soul. - Saint Augustine of Hippo (354-430)

Songs

2011-09-30T16:49:00.002-05:00

I heard this song today. I used to know all the lyrics to all the Le Miz songs. I always liked this one. Well, I liked them all. Great musical. But for a few lyrics today.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
With hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would forgiving . . .

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart . . .

Snippets

2011-09-26T10:11:00.002-05:00

These are just a couple snippets from some of my recent reading that I wanted to keep for myself.

from Dilemma

The woman looked into my eyes and said, "Listen, you should not be afraid, because you are an agent for change. You are on a mission from God and you should just let Him guide you."

I really couldn't believe it. This was too much. I had been through many sleepless nights; maybe I was going out of my mind. But this woman was real, and as she sat next to me, quietly offering me words of comfort, her message brought me peace and light in the midst of the pain and darkness i was experiencing.

From be different

. . . but for me, the answer to handling crowds, noise, or flashing lights seems to be focus. If my mind is locked onto a target, it's as if all the distractions vanish. If I lose the target - whether it's a person I am tracking for a photo or a musician I am tracking for the sound - the sensory input overwhelms me. When I'm locked on, nothing bothers me. I learned that skill unconsciously when I was young, but now that I'm aware of it, I am able to adjust some of my life circumstances to make things go even more smoothly.

That's why I never attend concerts where I'm not working. In the audience I am constrained, and I have nothing to do, so I freak out, just as I was start to do at the Flutie Bowl. I don't enjoy it, even today. For the same reason, I can't be alone in a crowded bar. If I have someone to focus on or a book to read, I can ignore the bedlam around me. Take that away, though, and I will be out the door and down the road in two minutes flat. Now that I understand what's happening, I am able to arrange things to avoid situations like that, and if people wonder why I don't do certain things, I have a good answer.

. . . People often comment on the speed with which I can acquire new knowledge. . . . I don't have a photographic memory, but I am pretty good at retaining the essence of whatever I read. I also remember things I see and do, which is a help whenever I have to find my way home from a strange place, or reassemble something I took apart. . . . I may not have known about Asperger's, but I knew I learned fast from an early age.

The Scarlet Letter

2011-09-25T20:46:00.003-05:00

Anguish in her soul
Aching in her heart
Answers are elusive
And trust is torn apart

Accused of intent of
Action never taken
Absent words to defend
Against such condemnation

Anger is unleashed
Absolution never given
Always viewed with malice
Away from all she's driven

Anguish in her soul
Aching in her heart
Answers are elusive
And trust is torn apart

Dilemma

2011-09-20T14:19:00.002-05:00

I've been to the library again. Not so bad on the fines this last time, though there is a book on my desk that is pushing 3 weeks overdue. *sigh* I'm hopeless.

Anyway, I'm currently reading Dilemma. I'm finding it interesting. Lots of things on my mind that parallel the author's story. An excerpt:

Once more, I was thrown into such a tailspin of sadness and anger that I had to ask myself, "Albert, what are you doing in this inflexible, dictatorial, and merciless institution?" My notion of what I always thought "church" was supposed to be - a loving, caring, forgiving, and understanding community - was quite the opposite of what I was experiencing.

Dream - Temporary Madness

2011-09-10T11:47:00.004-05:00

I had another wild dream last night. Maybe someday I'll be a famous script writer from all these slumbering adventures.

Last night, I was a Russian spy. My partner and I were a great team, but the crumbling government and ensuing anarchy intervene. There are 2 warring criminal factions. My partner betrays me and joins one.

He looks at me with such malice as I refuse to cave in to these thugs. But I care too much about the Russian people to throw my lot in with either group.

I mourn for him, but I just can't look out for only me. I know as soon as I leave the room we're talking in that I will be shot, killed.

And it was really dark at 4 am this morning . . .

My Yoke . . .

2011-09-09T15:38:00.003-05:00

"My yoke is easy."

That phrase just keeps coming back to me time and again yesterday and today.

"My yoke is easy."

The Message starts that part of Matthew 11 with the question "Are you burned out on religion? Come, follow me." I've read that in Jewish tradition at the time of Christ, to follow a certain rabbi was referred to as taking on his yoke, his way of interpreting the scriptures.

"My yoke is easy."

That's the way it should be, isn't it? To so love what you do that it's easy. Maybe hard, but easy in a hard sort of way. Or is it hard in an easy sort of way?

"My yoke is easy."

If it isn't, then maybe something's wrong. Maybe one is following the wrong path or "yoke." Are our struggles indications that we're on the wrong road?

"My yoke is easy."

I just can't get this out of my head. *Someone* keeps whispering it to me.

"My yoke is easy."

Is Forgiveness Enough?

2011-09-08T16:22:00.000-05:00

The writings of Rob Bell have been especially meaningful to me as of late. I'm reading Velvet Elvis right now. Interesting stuff. Lots for me to think about. I wish I had found this book about 6 months ago, but perhaps now I am more able to understand it.

Remember the parable of the prodigal son? The younger son demands his inheritance, says "up yours!" to his father, and takes off. He then ends up destitute, returns to his father, and asks forgiveness. His father freely forgives . . . then has a place made for him in the servants quarters and jobs assigned to him. No? I mean there should be consequences, shouldn't there? Maybe there should be consequences, but there are none in the parable. The father fully restores the son to his former position, a younger SON in the family, and throws a party to celebrate.

Now the older brother isn't too pleased about this. After all, the father he loved was very hurt when the younger son took off. It just isn't right that there aren't any consequences. But the father comes out to his older son. "Come join the party. Yes, it's not fair, but I love him. Just as I love you." Then the story ends there. As Rob Bell points out in Drops Like Stars, the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie ending would have the older brother entering the party and embracing a repentant younger brother. Fellowship restored. But we don't know the ending.

"Some elder brothers never enter the party.
Some fathers never throw one.
Some brothers never come back.
Some things are never resolved."

Some things are never resolved. How sad and how true. It takes more than forgiveness.

From Velvet Elvis

"Which leads to forgiveness. The point of the cross isn't forgiveness. Forgiveness leads to something much bigger: restoration. God isn't just interested in the covering over of our sins; God wants to make us into the people we were originally created to be. It is not just the removal of what's being held against us; it is God pulling us into the people he originally had in mind when he made us. This is why Jesus always orients his message around becoming the kind of people who are generous and loving and compassionate."

It is one thing to be forgiven. It is quite another to be restored.

Some Days

2011-09-01T10:48:00.002-05:00

Today is a good day.

I need a job. I've been seeking employment for several months and still nothing. But today is a good day.

A friend of mine has learned that her hours will be significantly reduced. But today is a good day.

I've lost something dear to me. But today is a good day.

I'm concerned about someone's health. But today is a good day.

I grieve the indifference to wrong that I see and experience. But today is a good day.

There is sickness, and hurt, and sorrow in the world. But today is a good day.

Deep within my soul is a peace that transcends all.

Today is a good day.

Summer Goals

2011-08-29T11:50:00.002-05:00

I had 2 goals for this past summer. Just 2.

Goal #1 - Get my artist licensed to drive. Well, it was the very last week before the eldest departed for college, but it is done! WooHoo!!! My artist can now legally take to the streets in a vehicle by herself. It was hard to watch her take off alone the first time. But it was waaaay past time. Goal #1 completed.

Goal #2 - Get Miss Adventure potty trained. I don't know why this is so hard for me to achieve with my children. But she's the youngest yet. And she is dry. All the time. She can communicate need and wait in line for a public bathroom. Wow. . . . but has yet to manage staying clean. Not once in the potty. The other children got this part within a week of figuring out how to stay dry. Miss Adventure's been dry for a month now. But she seems to have no concept of staying clean or even the need to. *sigh* Goal #2 half done. So want this final step. After 2 decades of cleaning up little ones I am so ready for personal hygiene independence.

Kindness

2011-08-15T16:38:00.002-05:00

Kindness, a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and send you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises it head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

And a little quote about lovingkindness:

"Practice now so that when it gets hard you already know the way." -Lama Yeshe

Blue or Red

2011-08-08T14:46:00.002-05:00

Ever feel like you're living in a dream? I've been feeling that way for several months. Like Neo given the choice between the blue one and the red one. Return to the dream and live a safe comfortable existence - take the blue one. Or come alive to a real, but dangerous, world - take the red one. And I haven't known which one to take. I've been sitting on a fence for months dithering. I *like* my safe little dream world. But lately it's somehow not been enough. Like God is trying to wake me up. There's more to life than what you've experienced. There's more than what you've seen. Wake up. Throw aside the dream world. Come experience life with Me.

Found Rob Bell's book Love Wins in the public library the other day. It's a quick read, but thought provoking for me. A lot of questions I've had, Rob raises. In lots of ways, he doesn't adequately answer them for me. But to raise the questions, question the status quo, dare to believe in something bigger than I've been taught - well, I will definitely be giving this book another read. I've got until Friday before fines start. Who knows, maybe it will help me enough that I decide to actually lay out the bucks for this one.

Lots to think about.

Rain!

2011-08-04T12:06:00.003-05:00

I posted this link before, but it deserves another. It finally rained last night - lovely cool rain. It came with a huge burst of wind though. Now our front storm door needs work. It wasn't all the way latched, so when the wind came it blew open hard. So hard it swung around and broke the doorbell button. But the rain and cooler temperatures were definitely worth it. Rain. It had been so long. It had been so very hot. (Someone told me 116 on Tuesday - UGH!) Rain - refreshment for the ground and refreshment for my soul. Praise be to the Divine for lovely, lovely rain.

A Quote

2011-08-02T19:56:00.002-05:00

A friend posted this quote on her fb status. It made me cry. It's a good one, but sad in a way.

In a Christian community, everything depends upon whether each individual is an indispensable link in a chain. Only when even the smallest link is securely interlocked is the chain unbreakable . . .

Every Christian community must realize that not only do the weak need the strong, but also the strong cannot exist without the weak. The elimination of the weak is the death of the fellowship.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

New Tunes

2011-07-22T13:20:00.004-05:00

So by now you know that my absolute favorite band is RUSH. But second and gaining is Switchfoot. I found a new song of theirs yesterday. New album comes out in the fall. But here's a link to Dark Horses, a great song. Looking forward to the album's release. Should be good. I just love how an electric guitar, in the words of RUSH (I couldn't resist), " . . . joyously screams out its pain. In sounds that build high like a mountain or notes that fall gently like rain."

A few Dark Horses lyrics to further entice you:

Born for the blue skies
We'll survive the rain
Born for the sunrise
We'll survive the pain

Milo

2011-07-18T13:24:00.004-05:00

Have you ever seen The Adventures of Milo and Otis? It's a charming children's movie about "a curious cat and a pug-nosed pup" named Milo and Otis, respectively. And the movie chronicles their adventures.
Here, Otis is becoming a watch dog by watching Gloria's egg.

Well, we have an animal now. I could not hold out against an entire family desiring a pet. And when a local animal shelter had Cat Independence Day, where one could adopt a kitten for$17.76, Mr. Wonderful and Miss Adventure took off to adopt a kitten. My only request was that it be black.
Miss Adventure had other ideas, though. She wanted an orange cat. And its name is Milo. It looks much like Milo and acts like Milo. And so we now have an animal. Mr. Wonderful loves it. The eldest enjoys it. The artist loves it and cares for it (one stipulation of getting the animal was that I not be responsible for its care). My little guy is incredibly gentle with it. And Miss Adventure would love it to death, but it can escape and hide pretty well. And Milo is winning me over too.

Fourth of July

2011-07-14T14:08:00.005-05:00

We ended up having a cul-de-sac celebration after all. Which I greatly enjoyed. The smell of gunpowder the weekend before moved me into pyro mood.
First, a little something to take to the potluck - stars in patriotic colors.

Miss Adventure ready for action.
Our neighbor girl was so sweet with Miss Adventure. She'd let Miss Adventure decide where to put a firecracker. Then sent Miss Adventure away while she lit it.
Get ready for a bang!
Some bubbles to help pass the daylight hours away.
My artist usually doesn't like the fourth. But this year, she didn't mind the noise as much.
And the eldest - could he slouch any further?
I don't have many of our fireworks, but Miss Adventure was ready for sparklers!
So much fun. I tried to get my little guy to hold one, but he couldn't. He was out more than last year though. Little by little.

And I got enough bang-bang to last until next year. :-D

Nelson-Atkins

2011-07-13T13:40:00.004-05:00

A bit ago, my artist and I went to the Nelson-Atkins museum in Kansas City to see Monet's water lily triptych. We did more than just look at the Monet though.I love the scale of the building. It's huge. I grew up in Kansas City, but only vaguely remember visiting the museum on a school field trip. I'm now a small town woman and I love how big this building is.
We ate dinner with my sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, and other relatives. It was fun. A little more expensive than my sister-in-law had experienced a few years earlier, but we were able to cover the expense and it was very nice.
This a picture of the ceiling above our table. I didn't get many pictures inside the museum. Too much to see in too short a time. We'll have to go back.
I *love* the main hall with its tall ceiling and marble pillars. I just really loved the feel of the space.
My artist by one of those large pillars.
The Nelson also has a large outdoor sculpture garden.
Including Rodin's The Thinker. I have always loved this statue. What is he thinking about so deeply?
Then my artist and I did some goofy thinking poses beside this venerable man. Okay, so I did a lot of goofy poses, but I got my artist to do one! A fun day trip for just the 2 of us. This Saturday, we hit another art museum a little closer to home.

Rowing

2011-07-07T13:25:00.004-05:00

There's a poem by Anne Sexton that I really like. I've been dealing with some "issues" lately and I find it speaks to me even more. It's from a collection titled, The Awful Rowing Toward God.

Rowing

A story, a story!
(Let it go. Let it come.)
I was stamped out like a Plymouth fender
into this world.
First came the crib
with its glacial bars.
Then dolls
and the devotion to their plastic mouths.
Then there was school,
the little straight rows of chairs,
blotting my name over and over,
but undersea all the time,
a stranger whose elbows wouldn't work.
Then there was life
with its cruel houses
and people who seldom touched -
though touch is all -
but I grew,
like a pig in a trenchcoat I grew,
and then there were many strange apparitions,
the nagging rain, the sun turning into poison
and all of that, saws working through my heart,
but I grew, I grew,
and God was there like an island I had not rowed to,
still ignorant of Him, my arms and legs worked,
and I grew, I grew,
I wore rubies and bought tomatoes
and now, in my middle age,
about nineteen in the head I'd say,
I am rowing, I am rowing
though the oarlocks stick and are rusty
and the sea blinks and rolls
like a worried eyeball,
but I am rowing, I am rowing,
though the wind pushes me back
and I know that the island will not be perfect,
it will have the flaws of life,
the absurdities of the dinner table,
but there will be a door
and I will open it
and I will get rid of the rat inside of me,
the gnawing, pestilential rat.
God will take it with His two hands
and embrace it.

As the African says:
This is my tale which I have told,
if it be sweet, if it be not sweet,
take somewhere else and let some return to me.
This story ends with me still rowing.

This poem just resonates with me. For I am rowing. It is hard for me. It is essential for me. And I will not give up. I'm still rowing. Though I despair at times of ever reaching the island. For I so desire to know God, not just know of God. I want to experience God, not just hear of others' experiences.

For Anne Sexton, the story did end with her still rowing for she committed suicide just before this poem was published.

For me, this story is not yet ended, because I'm still rowing.

Babies, Trees, & Flowers

2011-07-06T13:12:00.005-05:00

Look what Mr. Wonderful found when he was weed whacking out by the swing set.
A little cuddle of baby bunnies! I checked them today and they look fine. So mama bunny has come back and settled them again. We were hoping she wouldn't reject them once Mr. Wonderful disturbed them. :-)
Last year we tried to grow some morning glories across our south wall. Labor Day last year I posted a picture of how it was going. They were about as far as they are NOW! plus we had used some jute string that just wasn't holding. This year the flowers are spreading over the whole area and are 2 months ahead of last year. Don't know how much good they are doing for our cooling bill. It has been super hot. But it has to help. If nothing else, it helps my attitude. Love my flowers. And I love my trees . . .
This beautiful cottonwood is still looking healthy. We put it in around the fourth of July last year. It's made it through last summer's heat. And so far, so good this summer.
We also *had* these three trees planted last fall. We got a FANTASTIC deal on them. The trees were free if we paid the guy to plant them with his tree spade. They had lost all their leaves when they arrived. We didn't know if they'd live or not. But so far, all three are hanging in there. I love going out and standing in tree shade. In our new division, that is a rare thing.
My petunias are going great guns this year.
And the day lilies are a golden riot. Plus you can barely make out a spider lily in the foreground. Those are doing better this year too. And that's about all the gardening I have time to handle right now. But it pleases me. :-)

My Little Guy's Art

2011-07-05T11:05:00.004-05:00

Back in May I did a little decorating in the upstairs bathroom. But I needed a picture for over the commode. I was going to have my artist paint something specifically for that. But my little guy brought this watercolor home from school one day.
I love it. It's definitely a child's painting. But there's something very charming about it. So my artist will have to paint something for the parlor.
And just for fun. A picture of the eldest doing the Russian soldier impression. He has the hair & scruffy beard for it. :-D

Golfing

2011-07-04T12:34:00.003-05:00

Here it is. Proof that I actually went onto a golf course and chased a little white ball around 18 holes.

Thanks to the generosity of my sister, the Eldest and I spent Sunday morning golfing. It was the second time in my life that I had golfed. The first being over 20 years ago. So I had nothing to lose. We played best ball - only way to go for a complete noob like me. Any time there was a water hazard, I got out an old ball and made my offering to the water gods.

But I have to brag a little. Hey, I was pretty excited about a few of my shots! On one hole my sister drove us up to the green, then we used my pitch & 2 putts! Three strokes in a row were mine!

And there were at least 3 times I drove off the tee and onto the fairway! Just barely, and it was all rolling on the ground, but I made fairway!

And for a complete beginner, any time you actually get loft is very exciting! And I managed to get air several times.

I had a blast. Most fun of all though was spending time with my sister. I wish we lived closer so I could see her more often. There's something about someone who has shared growing up with you, that knows what it was like first hand, that is comforting.

Sunday with my sister was just a balm to my soul.

And now I think I'm hooked. Gotta go do a little 9 hole fun with my son. Do some driving range stuff so I can make it around a course in less than 24 hours. :-D

A few more pics:
The eldest getting ready to tee off.
My sister putting on the 18th.
Getting ready to pitch onto the green at the 18th. Lovely form, no? :-D

Independance Day

2011-07-01T21:07:00.003-05:00

It just doesn't seem like Independence Day weekend at all. Our little town's festival, held this weekend for years, was moved to last weekend. I totally missed it. No parade in the morning, that was last week. No big fireworks show, that was last week.

We've had my family here for Independence Day for the past several years. Not this year. I am planning to go to my sister's with the eldest. (I'm going to play golf for the second time in my lifetime. First time was over 20 years ago. That will be amusing for the others. We're playing best ball, so at least I won't be annoying to those unfortunate enough to play behind us. :-D ) That's Sunday.

Then our cul-de-sac usually grills and shoots off fireworks together. But we have no plans this year.

It's a weird, non-event this year for us. And it's just as well. This pyro actually is not particularly into bang-bang this year. I'm just too sad to care much for the big show this year. Fireworks are such happy things.

Well, okay, I'll have to do just a little. I'm too much of a pyro to totally skip things. Sparklers for Miss Adventure and maybe my little guy will hold one. And a few fountains. My spirits could use a little boost. Just not going all out.

Wrong Song

2011-06-30T20:32:00.002-05:00

Ever have a song going through your head that you just can't get out? A flutist guy I know likes to start humming the Flintstones theme, but stop before finishing. It will drive you bonkers - you've got to finish it. Then that inane song starts running through your head all day long.

That kind of wrong song is silly. Maybe annoying. But certainly not harmful. The joke's on you. But I suspect the flutist pays with singing that song all day as well.

Tonight I have a different wrong song problem. Those songs that take a darkness and express it, but also intensify it. I can feel the spiral of depression start. The song magnifies it.

Today, though, there is hope. I at least recognize this. I have to find a new tune and shove this one out of my brain. Find a song of hope, rather than a song of death.

I've had enough of death and despair. It's time I started looking for hope.

Epic Fail

2011-06-28T19:24:00.002-05:00

I have been an idiot. So focused on myself that I couldn't see the damage I was doing to people I care about.

I do have a good friend. He has given me some excellent advice. I just had to be stupid before I could hear it. I should have been asking God to change me instead of asking God to change the situation.

And it's not like I haven't heard that before. I was too selfish to hear it though. And I focused only on me. I am such an epic fail.

I know God will forgive me. And whom I have hurt will forgive me. But the relationship restored? I don't know. I threw it away. I don't deserve it.

Maybe I'll receive mercy I don't deserve. Maybe not. Time will only tell.